


I'm That Voice You're Hearing in the Hall

by Ikkleosu



Series: I'm That Voice You're Hearing in the Hall [1]
Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-07 02:00:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14070423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikkleosu/pseuds/Ikkleosu
Summary: Post 2x04 fic.After dealing with her emotions for 36 hours, Kayleigh talks to Mandy about her relationship with John and decides to take some action.





	1. A Promise They Hear in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by, and titled from, two Billy Joel songs - An Innocent Man and The Longest Time
> 
> "Some people stay far away from the door  
> If there's a chance of it opening up  
> They hear a voice in the hall outside  
> And hope that it just passes by" - An Innocent Man
> 
> "I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall  
> And the greatest miracle of all  
> Is how I need you  
> And how you needed me too  
> That hasn't happened for the longest time" - The Longest Time

“Some people say they will never believe  
Another promise they hear in the dark  
Because they only remember too well  
They heard somebody tell them before” - An Innocent Man by Billy Joel

Kayleigh stared at the picture on her phone. Ostensibly it was a photo of Elsie and Julie-off-checkouts that Joyce Chung had taken at the staff party, but Kayleigh was in it too. She was there in the background, laughing about something, her head tipped back, eyes squeezed shut with her Hagrid beard tucked under her chin. Standing facing her was John. It was probably something he’d said that made her laugh - not that she could remember what it was - but it was the look on John’s face that had made her steal it from Joyce’s Facebook page.

He was looking at her so softly, so adoringly, she’d blushed the first time she’d seen it. She’d saved it to her phone instantly and kept sneaking looks at it throughout the day.

Now though, she was looking at it differently. She’d been staring at it so long it felt like it was all she had done since time immemorial. In actual fact it was less than thirty-six hours. Thirty-six hours since she walked out of John’s car, her heart in pieces and her dreams shattered.

She’d managed to avoid human contact for most of that time. Although she’d endured a brief exchange with Mandy when she’d got home, her sister had thankfully picked up on her mental state and hadn’t asked any questions when Kayleigh said she was skipping dinner and going to bed.

When she’d braced herself and finally got up on Saturday she was relieved to find a note saying they had all gone to Steve’s sisters for the day. If she’d been told those plans earlier, she hadn't remembered, but she suspected Mandy had engineered it to give her space. Not that you needed much space for lying in your bed sobbing into your pillow.

Alternating between tears, staring at the photo and scrolling back through the texts she and John had exchanged over the months was pretty much all she had done the entire weekend.

Although her eyes felt glued together with the combination of tears and lack of sleep, she found herself reading their text messages over and over. It wasn't just that she was reliving happier times, it was something more than that. She was looking for evidence; evidence that she wasn't off her head, that she hadn't imagined the signals he’d given her. All the compliments, the flirting, the moments he would open up to her about his life - they were real. She had them here in her hand. She wasn't just some desperate old cow reading too much into a simple friendship.

But every time she got to the last painful messages where she’d told him she would make her own way to work from now, and he’d answered with a plain “Ok”, she would doubt herself. Maybe it is just friendship? Maybe he talks like this to every woman in his life? Maybe Rachel has a screed of similar messages on her phone?

Every time that happened, she’d switch to staring at the photo again and consider did he look like that at other women? Was that just his friendly, smiling face? Or was that, what she had always felt it was, a look saved only for her?

Then she’d put the phone down and sob, reliving that last conversation in the car; angry at herself for pushing it, angry at him for the things he'd said and wishing she could go back in time and just carry on holding his hand for a bit longer.

A knock at the bedroom door sent her pushing her phone under the duvet.

“Come in,” she called, in a creaky voice she hadn't used since Friday.

Mandy appeared in the doorway, carrying a brew. She held it up in front of her as though waving a white flag.

“Can I come in? How are you feeling today? Any better?” she asked. Not waiting for answers, she entered and sat down on the edge of the bed and handed Kayleigh the steaming mug of tea.

“I’m not ill,” Kayleigh admitted with a sigh, as she held the mug with her fingertips.

“No, I guessed that… but I told the kids you were so they’d keep away. I thought you maybe just needed some time alone, which is a rarity in this house. From the state of you, I assume whatever was up with you the other night isn't sorted?”

Kayleigh winced. State of her. She could imagine, though she hadn't dared look in the mirror recently. Although she’d pulled her hair up in a messy bun most of it now seemed to be plastered to her neck. And she hated to think about the luggage under her eyes.

“Thanks,” she said dryly. “No, it's not. And I don't think it's going to be.” She’d known Mandy would be asking questions eventually. Normally they shared everything, but there was so much that had gone on recently that Kayleigh had kept locked inside. She was afraid of what Mandy might think, or say, and worse than that, she was afraid to verbalise what she had been feeling. It felt so rare, so special that she was scared that shining light on it would make it disappear - and from everything that had so recently happened, she felt she had been right.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or?...” Mandy left the question hanging. “I mean, I can guess…”

Kayleigh looked at her sister's sympathetic face, and remembered days gone by being in Mandy’s place, giving her sister reassurance and guidance when some idiot boy had rejected her. Oh how the tables had turned. “Can you?”

“Well yeah, when you came in the other night it was pretty clear something had happened… I mean you got a taxi home. Did you and John have a fight? Did you split up?”

Kayleigh jerked her head back and let out a scoff. “Split up?”

“Yeah, I know you never said anything official, but we just assumed… it was obvious.”

“Was it? Really?” Kayleigh found it hard to hide her pleasure. Even now, even the way things were, the thought still gave her a warm glow.

Mandy gave a laugh. “What? Did you think you were fooling anyone? It was so bloody obvious even Steve knew and he’s as observant as a house brick.”

“Steve thought we were together?” Kayleigh couldn't hide her smile this time.

“Yeah… we just assumed you were trying to keep it schtum cos of work or something.” Discomfort crossed Mandy’s face. “Christ Kayleigh, he's not married is he?”

“No! God, no!”

“Oh okay, it's just… thought it was weird you didn't do owt at nights or weekends and you never went round to his… I thought maybe… that would explain it. Normally you tell me this stuff, Kayls, so I was worried maybe there was a reason you hadn’t.”

Kayleigh scoffed again. “Oh I can explain it alright… we weren't together.”

Now it was Mandy’s turn to laugh. “No! You're having me on… the two of you… the way you… I mean, he comes and picks you up all that way every day…”

“Not anymore…”

Mandy frowned. “Oh… so what happened?”

Kayleigh took a sip of tea and contemplated how to say it, how much to say and where to begin, but even thinking about it made her throat tighten. She placed the mug on the drawers beside her bed and smoothed her hands over the duvet, trying to compose herself. It didn't work.

“Well, what you said about us being together… you were half right….”

Mandy’s face took on a pained sympathetic expression as she read between the lines. “Oh Kayls…”

“I’m in love with him, and he doesn't feel the same.” Uttering it made her heart break all over again and tears spilled down her face before she’d got all the words out.

Mandy leant forward and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry sis, that's crap that is. Well, you know it’s his loss?” She spoke into Kayleigh’s shoulder as she sobbed. “So, how did it happen? I mean what did he say?”

Mandy pulled back as Kayleigh reached for a tissue from her bedside and blew her nose.

“He didn't say anything, that was the thing. Any time I brought it up he just kept changing the subject, bringing up that stupid Christmas team…”

“You mean that Christmas team you haven't stopped going on about for months?” Mandy gave a teasing smile to her big sister.

“Don't you start!” Kayleigh rolled her eyes. “Look I know, I was really excited about it. It's Christmas. I love Christmas, but I realised… John has a rule - No fraternising with staff, and if I was on his Christmas team then he wouldn't… fraternise with me.”

Mandy gave a snort at the innuendo then looked apologetic.

“Every time he brought it up he was basically saying there wouldn't be anything extra-circular between us…”

“Extracurricular,” Mandy corrected. “But he did actually say he wasn't interested, Kayls? This isn't just you assuming cos he wants to work on the Christmas team with you?”

Kayleigh bristled at that. “Mands, he made it very clear. We were having this moment, this lovely moment…” The memory of John holding her hand, dwarfing it in his grip, as he grinned at her filled her mind as she took a breath. “And he said he loved this, us, so I asked him what we were…”

Mandy winced sympathetically. “Oh yeah, men love that question…”

“He said we were friends. Buddies.” Kayleigh added air quotes round the words for impact.

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

It said it all really. Saying it aloud really felt like the final nail in the coffin. Kayleigh wiped her nose again and took a few deep breaths, while Mandy stared at the window thoughtfully.

“I’m really surprised, Kayls, honestly. I thought you were together, I was a bit put out honestly that I wasn’t getting all the juicy details.”

“Nothing juicy to tell. Just me being a daft mare thinking someone like him would be interested in me…”

Mandy looked stunned at Kayleigh’s words. “What do you mean “someone like him”?”

“Not an arsehole.”

“Hey now, don’t be saying that. You deserve a lovely man. And I’m not being funny, Kayls, but he’s hardly Brad Pitt is he? He’d be lucky to have you.”

Kayleigh made a disbelieving face and picked up the mug for another sip of tea. She knew Mandy wouldn’t understand. What she felt for him wasn’t because of a chiseled jaw or rippling abs. She loved him inside out, and she wasn’t ashamed to say she liked the outside too. All that time sitting beside him, she’d studied his body in every detail and she’d spent many happy moments imagining being held in those big arms, and wrapping her arms around him. She bet he was a world champion cuddler.

“Well, John’s lovely,” she said quietly but firmly.

Mandy took the hint and nodded. “He seemed it… that day he said he was going to drive you every day… God, I thought I were going to have to scrape you off the ceiling you were that happy about it! But see, that’s what I don’t get… you don’t do THAT every day, all that way, just for a friend?”

“Apparently you do.” Kayleigh shrugged. “I didn’t tell you, but the last day he was driving me from ours, I gave him a present. I gave him a copy of Now 48…”

“Second best album in the world,” Mandy nodded.

“Best ever,” Kayleigh corrected, and the sisters grinned for a moment sharing their long held in-joke. “I put a note in with it. Said Pure and Simple was for him, from me to him.”

Mands looked almost pityingly as Kayleigh carried on.

“But he just acted like he had never listened to it. I said to him, why didn't you say anything? He said it scared him!”

“Scared him?”

“Scared the shit out of him, I believe were his exact words,” Kayleigh said, her voice dripping with disdain. "He said it made him feel things he hadn’t felt in ages. I’m guessing it was panic, or dread.”

Mandy frowned.

Kayleigh put her head in her hands. Saying it all out loud was cathartic, but still it made her cringe. She began to wonder if she had ballsed this entire thing up every step along the way. “God Mands, what a mess. I’m turning into Mum. Throwing myself at men who are so obviously not interested, terrifying them.”

“Oh don't say that, things are bad enough without comparing yourself to Mum. You just misread things a bit, that’s all. No shame in that.”

“I think I tried to kiss him…” Kayleigh screwed up her face in embarrassment, despite the fact it was still buried in her hands. “I’m not sure… maybe he was going to kiss me too. I was drunk…”

“On Friday?!” Mands asked in a shocked voice.

“No!” Kayleigh finally raised her head. “The night we had the work’s party…”

“Hagrid…” Mandy nodded showing she remembered. “Oh wait, that was the night Steve said you got on his bike and kept going on about checking on someone… Esther?”

“Elsie. Yeah, she played a leading role in that tragedy. I made John give her a lift home, and after we dropped her off we came here. And Steve was still up, outside with his bike …”

“Obviously.”

“So I made John stop round the corner so we could have a minute alone.”

“Tart.” Mandy grinned at Kayleigh, who was starting to feel a blush creeping across her face as she relived the evening. There were bits of the evening she couldn't remember at all, but she remembered her thought process, how she’d set her heart on making a move. She’d played it all out in her head many, many times. Of course, Elsie hadn't featured in any of those fantasies.

“I don't remember exactly what happened, but I think I asked him if I made him happy. He said I did. I remember that. Then we nearly kissed. But Elsie phoned, broke the moment, and John had to go back to her’s with her fork, so that was that.”

“Okay.... “ Mandy said skeptically, not following the finer details if the story. “Why did you never tell me any of this, Kayls? You always used to.”

Kayleigh leaned forward and rested her head against her sister’s shoulder. She did feel bad for not sharing any of this with her. So many times after dates Kayleigh would sit up with Mandy, eating chocolate and relaying every little detail for her sister’s delight. She missed those days. Days when her heart wasn’t so scarred and love was a shiny ball to play with.

“I was scared…”

“God, everybody round here’s scared! What were you scared of? Christ, Kayls I shagged Steve first night I met him and never came home again…”

“I remember!”

“...so I’m not one to judge.”

“I wasn’t scared of you!” Kayleigh poked Mandy in her side. “I was scared of what I felt. It was scary. It IS scary.” Finally she lifted her head and looked in her little sister’s eyes. “It’s different. I’ve never felt like this before.”

Tears welled in her eyes. The feelings rose in her again, she couldn’t press down just how much this meant to her, how much John meant to her.

Mandy looked at her sadly. “Well, fuck,” she said plainly, and patted Kayleigh’s cheek. “And you’re sure he knows how you feel? And he really doesn’t feel the same?”

Kayleigh shook her head, shaking a couple of tears free to roll down her cheeks. “I told him I loved him… he just looked like I’d slapped him. Never said anything. So I went. Got out the car… in the middle of a traffic jam!” She pulled a face at the madness of it all.

Mandy’s eyes grew large. “Wow, you really went for the dramatic exit, huh?”

It hadn't exactly been a thought out move. Probably just fed even more into John’s thoughts that women were all OTT psychos. Still, the damage was likely done long before that, Kayleigh supposed.

“He didn’t say anything? You didn’t want to talk to him about it after? Give him a chance to explain?”

Kayleigh shook her head. “He’s made it clear, Mands. I just have to deal with it and move on. God knows how… become a nun… join the Foreign Legion… do they still have that?” She picked apart her tear soaked tissue as she spoke distractedly. “Mands?”

Her sister was staring at the small window in the room, frowning and clearly not listening.

“He gave you that lamp, didn’t he?” Mandy said pointing to the red heart lamp that had been the first thing Kayleigh had installed in her room the Saturday they’d piled all her boxes and bags into the small space.

“Yeah…” The memory of it still melted Kayleigh’s insides to chocolate. Remembering his face when he’d presented it to her, and how he’d kept asking if it was okay.

“Kayls…” Mandy said almost absently. “You know me, right? You know I’m not one for romance and fairytales and all that guff…”

“Oh! That was something else he said…”

Mandy ignored Kayleigh’s interruption and plowed on. “But this doesn’t add up to me. I’m not Mystic Meg or anything but I think I know a little bit about men, and everything you’ve said… I just don’t buy it.”

“Buy what?”

“That he’s not interested. He gave you a heart-shaped lamp for God’s sake! He drove ninety minutes every day just so you didn’t have to get tram to work. And Pure and Simple scared him…and not in the way it scares everyone else, obviously. What did you say he said? It made him feel things?”

Kayleigh was confused and scared to follow Mandy’s train of thought, hope seeming way too frightening a feeling right now. “Yeah he said it made him feel things he hadn’t felt for years.” She bit her lip waiting for Mandy to carry on.

“See?! That’s not what someone says when they’re not interested. That's what someone says when they have other feelings, feelings they don't want to have, feelings that scare the shit out of them!” Mandy said excitedly, suddenly turning back to Kayleigh.

“Eh?”

“You nearly kissed and only stopped cos someone phoned?”

“Yeah…” Kayleigh was cautious and confused but couldn’t help be picked up by Mandy’s sudden increase in enthusiasm.

“There’s something else going on here, Kayls. I don’t think I’m missing the mark. All this stuff…” She waved her arm dramatically, suddenly seeming much more like her big sister. “It sounds to me like he said it himself. He’s scared. It’s not that he doesn’t feel anything, he’s just scared of what he does feel. Just like you! Only you had the balls to do something about it, and he didn’t.”

“Do you really think?” Kayleigh asked anxiously.

“Yeah, there’s no way he’s only interested in you platonically, not when I think about it. I mean, I never really met him but Steve was pretty sure…” Mandy suddenly stood up and lifted the heart lamp off the window sill. “Here, hold this.”

She held it out to Kayleigh who got up from the bed and took it, while Mandy lifted the net curtain, opened the window and stuck her head out.

“Steve! Oi! Up here, bugalugs,” Mandy shouted out the window.

“Whaaaat?” she heard Steve shout back from his spot on the driveway.

“What was it you said about John?”

“That he’s getting me that gasket I’ve been looking for?”

“NO! About our Kayleigh! What did you say about how he looks at our Kayleigh?”

“Oh, like a lion looks at a gazelle at the watering hole…”

“And less poetically?”

“Eh?”

“Christ… men,” Mandy mumbled, before continuing her bellowing to Steve below the window. “Does he fancy her?”

Kayleigh heard Steve give a chuckle. “Course he does! He’s desperate to get his leg over… and I don’t mean my bike.”

Mandy brought her head back in the window and rolled her eyes at Kayleigh. “Sorry about him, but you get the point?”

“Yes, and so did the rest of the street! Thanks Mands, don’t think they heard you in Yorkshire!”

“But you see? Steve saw it. He doesn’t just see you as a friend. There’s more to it than that. It’s up to you… He’s still being a coward, but I think there’s something else there, something you should maybe give him more of a chance to explain.”

Now Steve’s words had sunk in, Kayleigh couldn’t help feeling a smile grow. She bit her lip again to control it. It felt just like when Elsie said they were the talk of the shop. The idea that people outside of them could see what she felt, what she thought he felt for her. Maybe Mandy was right, maybe there was more to it. Maybe she hadn’t given him enough space to process it and explain it.

“I did kind of just throw ‘I love you’ in his lap and leave,” she offered.

“I’m not saying it’s going to work out, or anything,” Mandy said, still standing with her hand on the open window. “But isn’t it worth really talking about it? If it means as much to you as you say…”

“It does. He does.”

“Well then! Don’t you think that deserves a bit more care and attention than some confused conversation in a car in the middle of rush hour?”

She was right. Of course she was right. Kayleigh had been so obsessed with time, with John just not doing anything, she’d not given him any time to really deal with what she was saying. And it really wasn’t the circumstances she’d imagined uttering those three words to him. Not with tears and anger and hurt.

Maybe he was as scared as she was, he just didn’t know how to deal with it. She looked down at the heart lamp in her arms and suddenly remembered a time when she was about 11, Mandy about 8. They were having to share a room because Keiran was old enough to sleep in a big boy’s bed, and he was getting the room that had been Mandy’s. But every night there was tears and tantrums because Mandy couldn’t sleep without the light on. After about a week of Kayleigh switching the My Little Pony lamp off, and Mandy crying hysterically until she put it on again, she’d decided she needed to tackle her sister’s fear of the dark.

“Look, it’s only the dark,” she’s said, sitting side by side on her sister’s bed. “Nothing to be scared about. I know it seems scary, but it’s not. I remember when I was little I was scared too, but you’re a big girl now. And you’ve got something I didn’t have!”

“What’s that?” Mandy had asked, all tear-stained and wide-eyed.

“You’ve got a big sister,” Kayleigh had continued. “And I’m always here to look after you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you, not ever. You trust me, don’t you?”

Mandy had nodded and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her pyjamas.

“Okay, so I won’t leave you, I’ll be right here. I’m going to hold your hand, so even in the dark if you can’t see me, you know I’m here, okay?” She grasped Mandy’s hand in hers and squeezed. “Like this, see? Now, you turn the light off…”

Mandy had looked at her uneasily, as she’d nodded encouragingly until eventually Mandy reached out a shaky hand and turned the lamp off. Kayleigh had heard a little whimper escape Mandy’s mouth, as she gripped her hand.

“See? It’s fine. I’m right here. I’m not going anyplace. I’m going to be here, holding your hand until you’re not scared anymore.”

They’d fallen asleep like that, holding hands and it had only taken a couple more nights of Kayleigh sleeping next to her before Mandy had begun to conquer her fear and sleep alone.

Mandy was right. If John was scared, then she could understand that. She was scared too. It wasn’t a reason to walk away and give up. It was a time to sit down and hold hands until they weren’t scared anymore.

“Mands? Can I ask you a favour?... Actually, make that two…” Kayleigh said to her sister, who had once again stuck her head out the window to shout at Steve.

“Steve Price, is that my good kitchen knife?!... I don’t care if it does get them apart… well, fine, but I’m not taking you to A&E when you slice your hand open!”


	2. See Through the Eyes of the Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kayleigh travels to John's house to speak to him, but finds something unexpected there.

I'm not above doing anything  
To restore your faith if I can  
Some people see through the eyes of the old  
Before they ever get a look at the young - An Innocent Man by Billy Joel

It took Kayleigh almost two hours to get ready, most of which was spent deciding what to wear. It had to be just right, not too flashy so it didn't look like she was trying too hard, but enough that John could eat his heart out if he did reject her. In the end she decided that the cream top that did fantastic things for her cleavage fit the bill. 

She tugged the waist of her jeans up and pulled the neckline of her top down as she stood in front of the hall mirror and took a couple of deep breaths. The time she’d taken preparing herself had allowed Mandy to get the £140 that Kayleigh owed John together, and it was now in an envelope in her bag. It was her foot in the door; her cover if it all went Pete Tong. She was there to give him the money she owed him, and talk. If he didn't want to talk, at least she could walk away knowing she tried.

She had thought it all through. Mandy was right, he deserved this. She deserved this. They deserved a chance to really talk about what was going on, now he had had time to process it. And if Mandy was wrong, if he really felt nothing, if he wasn't interested… well, as long as she could hold it together long enough to drive away from the house, she could fall apart after that.

She examined her face closely in the mirror. There was only so much makeup could do, but at least didn't look like the walking dead anymore. She’d given up trying to glue lashes onto her puffy eyelids, and settled on three coats of her most waterproof mascara. Its effectiveness was certainly going to get tested today.

“You all set?” Mandy said, as she leaned against the kitchen door frame and sipped on a mug of tea.

“As I’ll ever be.” Kayleigh lifted her denim jacket down from the coat hook on the wall. “Thanks for getting the money, I really appreciate it. I’ll pay you back when I get paid.”

“It’s fine.” Mandy waved a dismissive hand. “It’s our fault really anyway, if div out there hadn't gone off with your key…”

“I wish I’d thought to look under the plant pot.”

“Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. It’s done now, and you’ve got bigger fish to fry.”

Kayleigh nodded. “I just don't want to be owe John. One way or other Mands, I want this resolved today. I can't take any more back and forth. It’s driving me mental.”

“Well, don't storm off this time, then. Let the man talk. And make sure you do too, don't just go expecting him to read your mind.”

“Yes, Mum,” Kayleigh teased, as she shrugged her denim jacket on.

“Bloody cheek! As if our mother ever gave advice as good as that.” 

“No, she’d say get pissed and shag his best mate.”

“Well, we’ll call that Plan B,” Mandy grinned, as she walked over and gave Kayleigh a one armed hug. “But let’s hope it doesn't come to that.”

“And thanks for the loan of your car, I don't know how long I’ll be.”

“It’s fine, we’re not going anyplace. Chloe Price needs to clean her pit of a bedroom today anyway.” Mandy raised her voice and aimed it through the open sitting room door, eliciting a grumble from the targeted occupant. “Wish your Auntie Kayleigh luck, kids!” she continued.

“Why?!” came the baffled reply from the couch in the corner.

“JUST DO IT!” Mandy’s mothering voice made even Kayleigh stand to attention, as Chloe and Alfie’s half-hearted “good luck” floated out in response.

“Thanks Mands, for everything. For talking me into this.”

“Hey now, don't put the blame at my door! I don't want you coming back slapping me if it doesn't work out,” Mandy said as she reached over and pulled Kayleigh's hair from out of her jacket collar. “Seriously though…” She lowered her voice before continuing. “I spoke to Steve… he thinks John is crazy about you, and despite it going against my better instincts to agree with him, I think he’s right.” She kissed Kayleigh’s cheek, and gave her shoulder a squeeze.

“I’ll let you know what happens, promise,” Kayleigh said as she put her bag on her shoulder. “Love you, Mands.”

“Love you!” Mandy returned as Kayleigh slipped out the door. “Christ I hope I’m not the last person saying that to her today,” Mandy muttered as the door closed behind her big sister.

It was obvious Mandy had talked to Steve. He didn't greet her with a barrage of witty banter as Kayleigh passed him on the drive like usual. All he did was give her a tight smile and throw in a “Ta-ra, love” as she climbed into Mandy’s Citroen. 

It had been a couple of months since she’d driven, so she added driving nerves on top of the love life butterflies running rampant in her stomach. It was only after she’d driven down the fourth street towards the store that she suddenly realised where she was going, or rather that she didn't know where she was going. It was Sunday, John doesn't work on Sunday. She was going to his house, except now she suddenly realised she actually didn't know where he lived. 

That day that John had hurt his arm, the breakdown truck had dropped her home first. John had given his address to the driver but she couldn't for the life of her remember it now. Of course her head had been too full of jealousy and fear over Rachel at that point to concentrate on much else.

She pulled over in the car park outside the chemist, and had a minor panic attack. She couldn't call John and ask for his address, what if he said no? She didn't want to give him the chance to push her away before she had seen him face to face.

She pulled out her phone and looked at it for inspiration. Maybe she could text him, say she wanted his address to send him the money? But what if he took hours to reply, or didn't reply at all? No, she couldn't take the risk.

Kath Hilton would be working, she was the duty manager for the day. She’d be able to give her his address, but would she? Was it against protocol? And she’d want to know why. 

“Shit.” Kayleigh pounded her head against the steering wheel. The thought of turning back, forgetting about it, made her stomach butterflies turn to dead slugs that filled her with cold dread. Then suddenly she had an idea. There was one person who wouldn't give a flying frig about breaking protocol.

She scrolled through her contacts, found the number and composed the text.

“Elsie, you at work? Can you call me or text me ASAP? I need John’s address urgently!”

The text had barely left her phone when All I Want For Christmas Is You rang out, and Elsie was on the other end of the phone wanting to know what the crack was. Of course it would mean the entire story would all be round the store in 5 minutes flat, but that was really the least of Kayleigh’s worries.

In the end it had taken less than 10 minutes for Elsie to come up with a plan, enact it and text Kayleigh John’s address. The plan had involved a false rat sighting, Kath’s computer and a jammed door. Elsie had said the less Kayleigh knew about the plan the better in case it fell apart. Kayleigh hadn't argued and had promised Elsie a 6-pack of that fruit cider she liked and all the juicy details at a later date, in return for the favour.

Only an hour after she’d set off, Kayleigh pulled into John’s street and started scanning the house numbers. Then her eyes caught sight of it and her stomach lurched. There was the little Fiat 500, sitting shiny and bright outside the house on the corner. She managed to park further down the street, and sat for a couple of moments composing herself.

What should she start with? Sorry I walked out but I am so in love with you I can't think straight? Here’s your money, oh and here’s my heart, please don't trample it to death? Eventually, she took a couple more deep breaths, checked her make-up one last time and got out of the car. 

Her hand shook as she rang the doorbell and waited, fidgeting with the envelope of cash in the other hand. She chewed her lip when she heard the unmistakable noise of a lock being undone from the other side of the door. She almost bit right through it when the door was opened and a woman stood there.

“Yes?” the woman asked brusquely. 

A shiny black bob framed a face that looked mid-50s in age. Dressed in jeans and a floral blouse, she was plump and neat looking. 

“Can I help you?” the woman continued when Kayleigh didn't answer. “If you’re selling anything, I’m not interested!”

Her voice was as sharp as her features, and Kayleigh swallowed hard to stop tears pricking her eyes. Mandy was right all along. And not right the way Kayleigh had hoped. There was a reason John had pushed her away. There was a reason she had never seen his home. He was married.

“I...uh… I’m looking for John,” Kayleigh said, finally managing to find her voice.

“He’s not here. Are you the Kleeneze woman?” The woman was pulling off gardening gloves as she spoke, and for the first time Kayleigh noticed she has a vicious pair of secateurs in her hand. Christ, she could be on the sharp end of those. This woman didn't seem the type you’d mess with.

“No...no… I’m…” For a moment Kayleigh considered using a fake name. Maybe she should call herself Rachel? She decided to play it straight, after all she had done nothing wrong. “I’m Kayleigh, from work. Could you give this to John please?” She held out the envelope.

The second Kayleigh’s name left her mouth, the woman’s face transformed. “Oh, you’re Kayleigh! I didn't realise, sorry, come in, come in!” The woman broke into a big smile, and her entire body relaxed.

Utterly baffled, Kayleigh found herself stepping forwards and being ushered into the hallway.

“Sorry about that, I just can't be doing with folk coming to your house trying to flog stuff. Bloody cheek if you ask me! Can't even get peace in your own home. Sorry, do you want a brew? I was just going to make one anyway…” The woman busied around discarding her gardening things on the hall table, and walking away from Kayleigh towards the open door of the kitchen. “John’s at the Runcorn Food and Flower festival. He’s performing, did you forget? No matter… Pass us the mugs out would you?” 

She turned her back to Kayleigh and filled the kettle. Kayleigh was still too dumbstruck to argue. If this was John’s wife, she was certainly friendly enough. And she seemed to know who Kayleigh was. And John wasn’t even home? She wanted to sit on the floor and stop time until she could catch up. Instead she opened the wall cupboards until she found the mugs and handed two to the woman, who gave a little look of puzzlement. 

“Uh… sorry, are you Charlotte?” Kayleigh finally found her tongue and asked. It was the only explanation she could think of. Maybe she had come back? Maybe she had never left?

The woman looked as confused as Kayleigh felt for a moment, and then gave a laugh. “No, love! I’m Theresa…” She said her name as though Kayleigh should understand what it meant, but Kayleigh just looked back at her blankly. “John’s mum,” she finally explained after a pause.

Relief coursed through Kayleigh and she felt like a ten tonne brick had just been lifted from her stomach. 

“But you look so young!” The words escaped Kayleigh’s mouth before she could even think.

“Child bride!” Theresa preened her hair and gave a laugh. “No, not really, but thank you. No, I’ll be 62 this year.”

“Well, you don't look it!”

Theresa chuckled. “Thank you… I knew I was going to like you.” She flashed Kayleigh a grin as the kettle burbled and switched itself off. “Charlotte? God, did you really think I was her? Must have given you a fright, eh?”

“Yeah, a bit.” Despite things becoming clearer, Kayleigh still felt she as though she was playing catch up on the conversation. 

“How’d you take your tea, Kayleigh?” Theresa asked as she filled the mugs and went to the fridge for the milk.

“Milk and one, ta.”

Kayleigh stood for a moment and finally took in her surroundings. The kitchen was small and tidy. A couple of pot plants were thriving on the window sill, and there were takeaway menus and a kid's drawing stuck to the fridge door. 

“Did you forget they were playing today? Jim picked him up about half an hour ago.” Theresa handed Kayleigh a mug, and nodded her head indicating her to back out the kitchen door. “I just came round to do a spot of gardening. John’s nice enough to let me potter in his backyard, seeing as mine’s is all paved now. It was easier for when George was ill, I didn't want him worrying about cutting the grass and all that, but I have to say I really miss it.” 

She led Kayleigh into the sitting room and sat down on one of the plump sofas. Kayleigh followed, looking around the room, taking it all in.

It was nicely decorated, with a pale patterned wallpaper on one wall and coffee coloured paint on the others. The mantlepiece was lined with half a dozen framed photos. Kayleigh was unable to stop herself walking over and examining them, as she blew on her tea to cool it.

“Sorry,” Theresa said after watching her for a few moments. “Have you not been in here before?” 

Kayleigh shook her head as she looked at a photo of John with his niece on his shoulders, and his nephew clutching to his leg. 

“No, no, I haven’t,” Kayleigh said. “Sorry, I’m just wondering, how do you know who I am?” She couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. John’s mum had clearly known her name. His much else did she know? 

“Well, John might not share everything with his old mum, but of course he’s told me about you.” 

“He has?” 

Theresa frowned at Kayleigh’s surprise. “Sorry, love, are you not his girlfriend?”

The universe really was taking the absolute piss. On the day her heart was breaking more than it ever had in her life, everyone and their dog thought they were together. It was like the world was out to remind her what she didn't have.

“No, no, I’m not.” She didn't even feel the warm glow she had when Mandy had said it earlier. It was too ironic now. Alanis Morissette should put it in the song. It’s like getting the heave-ho from the love of your life when everyone thinks you’re a happy couple. Catchy. It would sell millions. 

She sat down hard on the other sofa. 

“Oh I am so sorry!” Theresa exclaimed. “Have I offended you? I’m sorry, I didn't mean to assume… It’s just I really thought… God, Theresa well done, stick your foot right in it why don't you!” 

“It’s fine, honestly. You’re not the first person to make that mistake. You’re not even the first today.” Kayleigh tried to give a reassuring smile, but despite her best efforts tears welled in her eyes. 

“Oh no, I’ve upset you. God, I am so sorry. I should know better at my age, assume nothing…” Theresa paused as Kayleigh took a shaky breath in and controlled her tears, managing to only have to wipe a single one away before it took her eyeliner on a stroll down her face. “I’ve just waded me size sixes into something really awkward and personal, haven't I? John’s going to kill me, isn't he? 

Kayleigh managed a laugh at that, knowing John he would. His mum knowing the details of his personal life would make him cringe into infinity. “Yeah, afraid so.” 

Theresa put her cup down. “Well, you can tell me it’s none of my business if you like, and John would, but he’s not here… so, do you want to talk about it?”

Kayleigh contemplated her options. Was it fair to talk to John’s mum about all that had gone on between them, or not gone on? But on the other hand, she was in agony and getting a perspective from someone who knew John - really knew him - was something she could really do with. Mandy could say all she liked about what she thought John was thinking but it was all guesswork. Here was a woman who knew John better than anyone.

“Yeah, I think I do…” Kayleigh took another deep breath. “Mrs Redmond, I’m in love with your son.” This time she managed not to cry, in fact she felt stronger saying it. “And I’m really not sure what he feels about me, and I tried to push him to tell me, and he said I’m just his car share buddy, and we argued and I walked out his car in the middle of traffic after telling him I loved him.” She paused. “That’s basically it.”

The words hung in the air for a moment as Theresa digested them. “Well, okay then, now that explains a lot of things…”

“It does?” 

“Oh yes,” Theresa said enthusiastically. “For a start is explains why he was an absolute misery with me this morning, and his Nana said the same thing on Friday. I told her he was probably just constipated. That always makes him grumpy.”

Kayleigh giggled and took a sip of her tea. She had definitely made the right decision in telling her.

“But now we know, he was just emotionally constipated. So let me get it straight, no more assumptions, you and he car share to work? And that’s all? No out of work shenanigans?” 

“No… well… no…” She wasn't sure exactly what Theresa was asking so no seemed the safest answer. “We haven't been seeing each other, if that's what you mean.”

“Well, I was more wondering if you’d been having sex, but seeing each other will cover it,”

Kayleigh nearly sprayed tea over John’s spotless coffee table. Clearly his mum was one for calling a spade a bloody shovel. “No, no, we haven't,” she rushed to correct, managing to avoid adding ‘If only’.

“But, something’s been going on because, God love you, you’ve fallen for him?”

“I thought there was… I felt like there was and now I’m not sure. My sister says he does feel something. And Steve, that's my sister’s other half, he said it too. They said he wouldn't drive all the way to Bury every day to pick me up if he felt nothing-”

“Bury? You live in Bury?” Theresa sounded totally surprised.

“Yeah, with my sister.”

Kayleigh stared in disbelief as Theresa let out a cackle of laughter. “Oh, John!” she said to the ceiling, shaking her head. “He never mentioned that part. And he picks you up and drops you off every day?”

“Yeah…” Kayleigh was perplexed why that was so funny. “So he did mention something about me?” 

She wanted to know how this reputation she had as the object of John’s affection had come about, when she was still so much in the dark about it all. 

Theresa got up and came and sat next to Kayleigh, and placed a hand on her knee. “Listen, love, now I may be talking out of turn here but this is obviously really troubling you, so let me put your mind at ease. My John is crazy about you.”

That damnable hope began fizzing away in Kayleigh’s stomach again. “How do you know? Has he said?”

Theresa shook her head and smiled. “No, It’s what he hasn't said that gives the game away.” 

Kayleigh wrinkled her forehead in confusion. 

“See, John told us he has started car sharing back…” Theresa paused searching her mind for a date. “... whenever that was. And he told a cracking couple of stories about you! I didn't thank him for making me have to explain dogging to his Nana, I’ll tell you! They all come round to mine on a-”

“Thursday” Kayleigh interrupted. “Yeah, John’s mentioned it.” She was delighted with the smile her knowledge brought Theresa’s face. 

“Yes, so for a few weeks he always had a few stories. Things you said, things you did. Me and his Nana Rose could see exactly what was going on, and honestly we were cockahoop. It’s been so long since he showed any interest in a girl, it was lovely to see him talk like that about you…” She patted Kayleigh’s knee. “But then that idiot son of mine, Paul thinks it’s bloody hilarious. He’s a lovely man, Kayleigh, he really is but I think his sense of humour stopped about 1983. He starts taking the mickey out of John. Kayleigh this, Kayleigh that… and I don't know if you’ve noticed, but pushing and prodding John is the fastest way to shut him up…”

Kayleigh felt her face get warm as she nodded. She was right, Kayleigh knew that. Give John time and space, take a few steps back and he would always tell her things about his life, but ask too many questions, harp on about it too much and he’d clam up like a mob witness. She had known that but still she had kept on at him in the car. She wasn't prepared to take all the blame on her shoulders, he’d said some totally uncalled for stuff. But still, she could have handled it better. She would handle it better.

“...so John gave him an earful and then that was that, he stopped talking about you. Except, he didn’t.” Theresa grinned knowingly at Kayleigh. “He couldn't help himself. He kept on telling stories about you, he just never used your name. It was always ‘someone at work’ or ‘This friend of mine’, I caught on quick sticks, but Paul’s too caught up in his own world to pay attention so it passed him by. Every time John told us some wee tale, his Nana and I would exchange knowing looks. The lad can't stop himself talking about you.”

Kayleigh’s heart soared, but she tried to be cool. “All good stuff, I hope?”

“Oh yes, well except for the petrol incident. He was fizzing about that!” 

“I’m sorry you must think I’m off me head, what a first impression! Coming here getting all teary and spilling my guts, I’m sorry it's just all a bit…” Kayleigh made made a tumbling motion with her hand. “I’m a bit all over the place.”

Theresa patted her knee again then got up and went back to her own seat and cup of tea. “Oh don't worry about it, I’ve done far worse in my time. And I know how John is, takes after me in that department I’m afraid. All this emotional stuff can be a bit much for me…”

Kayleigh suddenly looked alarmed, she was right John’s mum thinks she is a lunatic and will report back to John to stay away from this psycho bitch. 

Theresa held up a hand when she saw Kayleigh’s face. “No, no, love I don't mean you. It’s just, John’s Dad was the one he normally talked to about all this kind of thing. I’m just not great at the old baring your emotions, and John and me together… well we’d rather talk about last night’s telly than our feelings. I just worry now his Dad’s gone, who he’s got to open up to. I was hoping it was you.”

Kayleigh pressed her lips together, moved by Theresa’s faith in her. “He does talk to me about other stuff,” she said softly. “About his dad and things.”

Theresa put a hand to her heart. “Oh… oh that’s good to hear. That makes me feel better. Just doesn't talk to you about you, hey?” She gave a sympathetic smile, and Kayleigh nodded sadly. “Well, I don’t know, I don't have the answers. I have never been good at the old advice bit, John thinks I can be a bit blunt… so I don't know where his mind’s at. Maybe he just needs time? Or maybe he just needs you to show you’re in it for the long haul? If it was me, you coming here, coming back even when you felt humiliated...:”

Wow, yup, there’s that bluntness, Kayleigh thought. Although she was right, humiliated was exactly how she left. She wouldn't have felt worse if she’d stripped naked and walking down fresh meat aisle - and she’d have felt less exposed too.

“... putting into actions what you said, that would do it for me. Love means showing up, even when things get grotty. When you’re in it up to your knees, but you’re still putting your back into it. That’s love. It’s staying there holding their hand when you just want to run out the door.”

She got a far away look and Kayleigh got the sense she wasn't talking about John anymore. She thought about what Theresa must have gone through, all those months knowing her husband was ill, knowing he wouldn't get better and really living her marriage vows. In sickness and in health. For better for worse. Theresa was right, you don't run away when you love someone. You stay there and show them you love them. If John loved her or not, she loved him with her whole being and she wanted to give him that love.

“Thank you,” Kayleigh said suddenly resolute. “John’s wrong, you give great advice. I don't suppose you have an address for where he’s performing today, do you?” 

Theresa broke into a grin. “Thata girl! I am sure John wrote it down someplace…” She looked around her, lifting things on the coffee table and little end table by the sofa. Having no success, she moved a few things on the mantelpiece, lifting the glass sculpture that said “Malta” on it, and pushing a couple of the photo frames aside. “Not here, maybe it was in the kitchen…” She walked out the room mumbling about Post-it notes, just as a clatter made Kayleigh jump out other skin.

Looking across she saw that Theresa’s searching had caused one of the photos to fall face down, and Kayleigh could see a yellow piece of paper on the back of the frame. Thinking that might be the elusive address, Kayleigh went over to right the picture and fetch the address.

“Is this…” she began to call, but the words died on her tongue when she what was written on the note. 

“To John, you’re a star. Track two is from me to you…”

It was her Post-it note. The one she’d attached to the Now 48 CD and here it was attached to the back of a photo on John’s mantlepiece. About a week or so after she’d given him it, she’d insisted on playing the CD one particularly bad traffic day. She’d noticed then it was gone. When she mentioned it John had said he didn't know where it was, probably in the bin along with the chocolate bar wrappers that she kept leaving in the car. Frankly, Kayleigh had believed him, so to see it here was a shock. And a thrill.

He’d saved it. He had put it someplace safe, someplace special but not on display - so like John. She couldn’t help but smile, as she righted the photo frame. He really did care. That was when she saw the photo was of - whom she assumed to be - John’s Dad. He was his double, except for grey hair and a moustache. Wearing a Christmas paper hat, and holding a pint of lager aloft to the camera, he was grinning. All soft, crinkly eyes and rosy round cheeks, just like John. 

Kayleigh stroked her finger down the photo. It was stupid, she knew, but when John had said - on more than one occasion - how much his Dad had adored Charlotte, she’d felt jealous. Jealous that Charlotte got the chance to impress the person whose opinion meant the most to John.

“Found it!” Theresa said as she re-entered the room waving a bit of paper. “I’ll just copy it out for you.” 

Kayleigh stood staring at the photo, thinking of John talking all his problems out with his Dad and wondering what he would have told him about all that had gone on recently. 

“He would have liked you, you know?” Theresa was looking up from her position bent over the notepad on the coffee table. She nodded her head towards the photo. “John’s Dad, I mean.”

Kayleigh felt like she’d been reading her mind, and she blushed a little, worried about her self-centred thoughts. “Really? How do you know? I mean… why?”

Theresa finished scribbling on the paper and tore the sheet off the pad. “Because you make our John happy.” She held the piece of paper out to Kayleigh, who took it and immediately embraced her in a hug.

“Thank you, Mrs Redmond,” she said as she squeezed her in very probably a too tight fashion.

“Theresa!” John’s mum corrected as she extracted herself from the hug. “Well, good luck. And I really, truly hope I see you again soon.”


	3. A Fight I Can Lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kayleigh arrives at the Runcorn Food and Flower Festival to find John, and catch Compendium perform.

"Some people run from a possible fight  
Some people figure they can never win  
And although this is a fight I can lose  
The accused is an innocent man." - An Innocent Man by Billy Joel

 

By the time Kayleigh found the park where the festival was being held she had become a sweaty stressed mess. Trying to use her phone’s map as a sat nav, and not crash, on top of the continued anxiety over what she was trying to do had utterly wiped out her deodorant. With a huge sigh of relief she pulled into a space in the grassy area being used as a car park. It was gone 2 o’clock already. She had no idea what time John was performing and was envisaging them crossing paths like ships in the night.

The whole day had taken on the mantle of an epic quest. It was as though she had to speak to him today, as though this was her last chance or she would lose him forever - which was stupid because she knew where he lived now and knew exactly where he would be 9-5 Monday to Friday. Yet, still she felt an urgency she couldn't quell. 

Putting her foot outside the car, she felt it squelch sideways in the muddy grass. “Frig!” The rain the past 24 hours had left it soggy underfoot, and her ballet flats were not an ideal companion. 

She gingerly stepped round to the boot and prayed Mandy had left a pair of wellies in there from taking the kids to the urban farm, but was sadly disappointed. She settled for refreshing her deodorant and perfume, wafted her hair away from her neck from a moment and took a few calming breaths. God, she’d done so much of that in the past few hours she began to wonder if she remembered how to breathe normally.

As she neared the entrance gate, the music and hubbub from inside the festival grew louder. She strained to hear, wondering if she could make out whether it was the sound of John performing, but a couple more steps closer made her realise it was Little Mix blaring out from one of the rides. There were lots of noises battling for supremacy, but the girl group was winning above the other fairground sounds. Kayleigh looked down at the piece of paper Theresa had given her. She’d asked her one little favour, and Theresa had looked baffled but agreed. At the bottom of the note she’d written “Compendium” in neat capitals. Kayleigh rehearsed the word under her breath, trying to get it to stick in her mind, in the way that had so far eluded her.

When she got to the front of the short queue, the man on the gate informed her it was £10 entrance and wanted a cursory glance in her bag. 

“Do you know if Compendium’s been on yet?” she asked as his unlit cigarette dangled precariously from his lip while he peered inside her bag. 

“Eh?” 

Kayleigh glanced at the paper again. No, she had it right. “Compendium.”

“No idea what that is. If you mean that chef off the telly, he’s already done his pastry masterclass. But his croquembouche is at 3.” 

“His what?”

“No idea love, I just repeat what I’m told,” he said as he gave her a nod to move along.

“Thanks...uh where would a band be playing, if they were playing? Is there a stage or something?”

“Oh that’ll be the WireFM stage. To the left, down by the Dunk the Mayor.”

Kayleigh thanked him and made her way through the crowds of families and elderly couples ambling through all the attractions. The smells of fried onion and burgers wrapped around her stomach and reminded her she hadn't eaten yet today. But she was on a mission and she was terrified of any distraction that might make her miss John. 

The sounds of Little Mix and the screams from the waltzers died down as she got closer to the far end of the park. They were replaced by the unmistakable noise of tin whistles and fiddles as Irish dance music filtered through the air. Once she’d passed the bouncy castle the stage hove into view and from a distance she could see a troupe of Irish dancers jigging around the stage. Somewhat relieved to have at least found the right place, she scoped it out for John.

A few rows of folding plastic chairs were in front of the stage, with a few game families braving the grass on picnic blankets further back. The white stage, emblazoned with the Wire FM logo was bookended by a lorry at one side and a small marquee at the other. 

Wandering past the seating, Kayleigh was able to make out that the lorry was the outside broadcast van. She crossed over to the other side of the stage where a metal barrier divided her from the marquee entrance. If John was here, this was where he’d be. She said a prayer he hadn't gone home yet.

A burly, bored-looking bloke in a Wire FM t-shirt leaned on the barrier and stared out into space. 

“Excuse me, can you tell me if Compendium’s here?” 

“Eh?” 

“Compendium,” Kayleigh said with renewed confidence. She had it now, John would be proud. “The band. They’re meant to be performing, are they here?” She tried to look past him into the tents open flap to see if she could spot John.

“Not a clue.” The man spoke in an utterly disinterested tone and didn't pull his eyes away from the middle distance.

“Can you find out, please? Or can you let me in there to look?” 

The man’s attention was suddenly piqued as he dragged his eyes down to look at Kayleigh as though she’d just asked to shit in his shoes.

“Are you mad? You could be anyone. I ain't letting you in here.”

Kayleigh sighed with frustration. “I just want to see my friend, that’s all. I promise.”

“That’s what they all say. You could be a spy or a terrorist or summit’ for all I know,” the man answered, folding his arms across his chest and bringing himself up to his full height.

“Well could you just ask inside for me?” Kayleigh pleaded and tried her best to look un-spy-like. She nodded encouraging and smiled broadly.

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn't you? Leave you unattended to storm the stage! Not likely!” He returned his eyeline to someplace past the top of her head.

Kayleigh threw her hands in the air and thought better of pointing out that the other side of the stage was completely open and unguarded. She gave one last look past the man into the marquee, but saw nothing except a stack of speakers.

“Move on, miss, or I’ll have security remove you.”

“Frigadig! Okay, I’m going.” Defeated, Kayleigh walked back towards the seating in front of the stage. She didn't have much choice but to wait and see, and just hope they hadn't performed yet. 

By this time the Irish dancers had finished to a round of applause and streamed off stage, to be replaced by a twenty-something girl in a flowery dress carrying a guitar. 

Kayleigh stayed by the far side of the seating hoping she would at least be able to see the comings and goings from the stage. 

“Excuse me,” she asked a young woman sitting on the seat at the end of the third row. “Do you know if Compendium’s been on yet?”

The woman was wrestling with a snotty toddler who appeared to be covered in candy floss head to toe, while a little boy sat beside her and sipped on a blue slushie the size of his head whilst looking at Kayleigh insolently. “What’s that?” 

“Compendium. The band. Do you know if they’ve been on yet?” 

“How the fuck should I know?” the woman snapped at Kayleigh, before yanking the toddler’s hand away from her own face. 

“Charming,” Kayleigh muttered as she leaned back away from the image of domestic bliss.

“Excuse me... excuse me, did you just ask about Compendium?” The soft voice came from the row of seats behind, and Kayleigh saw an elderly woman giving her a wave.

Kayleigh slipped into the empty seat next to the woman. “Yeah, have you seen them?” 

“No, not yet, dear. They've not been on. We’ve been here since it started with Charlie Chuckles doing balloon animals for the kiddies.” She indicated the elderly man on the other side of her as “we”, though his eyes never left the stage.

Kayleigh nearly collapsed with relief. She didn't think she could have taken the disappointment of not catching John, and she hadn't even thought what she would do had that been the case. “Oh thanks!” she said, as she settled into the chair and put her bag on the ground. 

“Are you a… what do you call it? Groupon?” the elderly woman asked.

“Groupie,” the man corrected without looking in their direction.

“Groupie! That’s it. You one of them young girls follows a band round, throwing your knickers on the stage, hoping they’ll have their wicked way with you?” 

Kayleigh was unable to hold in the giggle that erupted from her stomach. She didn't know what made her laugh most, the idea that she was a young girl, the vision of John having groupies, or the alarmingly close description of why she was here. “No… no, I’m just… I’ve not seen them before.”

“Ah, well, they’re very good!” the woman said, much to Kayleigh’s surprise. 

“Oh, have you seen them then?”

“Oh yes,” the old woman continued. “We saw them at our social club, didn't we Dave?” The man completely ignored her. “Was that Christmas past? Or two Christmases ago? When did George die? It was the year after that…” The man - her husband, Kayleigh assumed - continued to ignore her. “Anyway, they were very good. I remembered their name, cos I said to Dave - didn't I Dave? - I said, that’s a clever name, that. Suits them. Cos there's something for everyone.” 

Kayleigh smiled. She’d have to tell John that, he’d be over the moon. Probably smug too that he was right, and say ”See?!” while pointing in her face. Just the thought of a normal conversation with John made her feel relaxed. She had to have hope they could get that back. 

“Lovely pair of lads they were too,” the elderly woman continued. “Bit of something for everyone there too!” She gave Kayleigh a knowing nudge. “The one that plays the keyboard, the chubbier one, he reminded me of…” She clicked her fingers as she tried to remember the name. “Oh what’s his name? Plays the piano. Lovely smile!”

“Bobby Crush?” Kayleigh volunteered as Dave seemed to be ignoring his wife again. “Richard Clayderman?” 

“No… no….Gary Barlow!” The woman’s loud exclamation caused the young woman with the kids in front of them to whip her head round and throw a dirty look their way, which Kayleigh chose to ignore. Instead she grinned, thinking of how much flattery she had to pass on to John. His head would get so big he wouldn't even fit in the Fiat. She felt a kinship with this woman, knowing John had at least one other fan. 

“And I’ll tell you, I could understand every word they sang too, makes such a difference. So many bands these days, can't understand a thing they say. Mumblers, the lot of them!”

As Kayleigh’s elderly friend finished her sentence, the woman in front of them twisted round in her chair again. “Well, if you’d bloody shut up, maybe you’d hear more words,” she spat out.

The elderly woman leaned back in her seat, shocked, as the little boy in front span round and got on his knees to better see the drama. “Sorry, dear, no need to take that tone.” 

Kayleigh mumbled an apology too, but frankly gave it begrudgingly. As soon as the woman turned back away from them, Kayleigh rolled her eyes and her new friend smiled warmly.

“Anyway dearie, I’m Barbara and this lump is me husband Dave,” the elderly woman said in a more hushed tone. Dave finally looked away from the stage and gave Kayleigh a friendly nod. 

“I’m Kayleigh, lovely to meet you.”

“So, why were you asking about Compendium then?” Barbara asked, as applause broke out as the hippy looking girl finished her song and left the stage. “Are they friends of yours?”

“Well, yeah one of them is…”

“Oh, which one?”

“Gary Barlow,” Kayleigh grinned as Barbara let out a laugh and put her hand on Kayleigh’s arm.

“Lucky you!”

“Here’s your boyfriend now!” Dave said pointing to the stage, and Kayleigh didn't know if he was talking to her or Barbara.

Kayleigh looked up to see John setting up his keyboard on the stage while Jim adjusted the microphone stands. Her stomach flipped just seeing John again, looking so normal - why wouldn't he? She felt such a mess inside she somehow expected John to look the way she felt. But he didn't. He looked like John, but in a snazzier shirt.

“Hiya, we’re Compendium. And we’re gonna do you a few songs today. Hopefully make the sun shine a bit more, and entertain you while you eat a weeks worth of calories in an afternoon.”

There was a smattering of laughter from the crowd at John’s joke, and Kayleigh felt ridiculously proud. She wondered if John would notice her, but he was set up on the opposite side of the stage. He’s have to turn pretty far to see where she was sitting, and she was fairly hidden in her spot a handful of rows back. And she was relieved. She didn't want to distract him, or be responsible for him mucking up. In fact, she relished the idea of being able to watch him perform, unfiltered.

“Right, thought this was an appropriate one to start with today,” John said as he began playing an intro Kayleigh recognised. A handful of folks in the crowd giggled as they too recognised Why Does It Always Rain on Me by Travis. Jim joined in with his guitar and sang backing vocals, but Kayleigh couldn't take her eyes off John. It was so strange seeing him up there, out of context. He was confident and relaxed, not how she imagined him at all. She certainly knew why musicians got the chicks. There was something so attractive about a man singing such emotional songs and playing an instrument well. If she hadn't been in love with him before, this would absolutely have sealed the deal. She began to consider if maybe she should be throwing her underwear at him. 

She sat enthralled for a couple of songs, though she noticed the woman in front certainly wasn't. For all her lip before about listening to the music, the woman had spent most of Compendium's set talking on her phone and ignoring her kids. The boy was now repeatedly turning round in his seat, kneeling on it and clearly looking for something to occupy his bored mind. 

By the fourth song in - a more country sounding song that Kayleigh didn't recognise, with Jim taking the lead vocals - the boy had begun swinging his legs through the back of the chair and was clearing trying to make contact with something or someone. He swung his right leg out towards Dave, then his left towards Barbara, then back again. On his third go round, Kayleigh stuck her arm out in front of Barbara's legs to stop him. He looked at her like she’d murdered his puppy. Unbeknownst to this little brat, Kayleigh was used to the same face from Alfie and gave as good daggers back. All the while Baraba seemed oblivious, her eyes focused on the stage as she clapped along. 

“Thanks, thanks…” John’s voice broke in to the applause at the end of the song. “Okay this next one, I’m going to do on me own. Jim gets a breather and a fag… oh no, sorry a vape! It’s actually a new song for us, very new in fact, I finished writing it in the van on the way over here today. So if It’s a bit crap, it was all me own work.” John laughed nervously. He suddenly looked a lot more ill at ease than he had done before. “You know where to send the hate mail. And if I mess up, hey well at least you want to be able to tell!” The audience gave a polite laugh again as Jim sat down on his stool, and John rubbed his hands down his thighs before putting them back on the keyboard. 

He began playing a very pretty slow tune, it reminded Kayleigh a bit of that Phil Collins song with the drums… but without the drums. He closed his eyes and began singing in soft tones she wasn't sure she’d heard before.

“Everything changed   
When you opened up the door  
Shed light upon the loneliness  
In the life I lived before  
I thought I was content   
In the cage of my own making  
Till you broke down all my walls  
Showed your truth no sign of faking.  
Heart upon your sleeve  
How could I resist?  
Feet that should be dancing  
Mouth that should be kissed  
I wish I could”

It was such a pretty song, the music swirling, rising and falling almost like a waltz. And the lyrics - immediately she recognised them as John. She knew him so well, knew these were his words, and she wondered if he’d written it about Charlotte.

“Take my hands off the wheel  
Get lost in your eyes  
Take my foot off the brake   
Let you drive  
Anywhere I go  
Want you by my side   
But I’m so afraid of the crash   
I can't enjoy the ride”

The chorus gave her chills. John’s voice became almost husky, as he looked down at his hands on the keyboard. She noticed he hadn't looked out at the crowd once on this one. Maybe because it was new and he had to focus on what he was playing? Or maybe because he had written it and was exposing part of himself with it? 

It must be about Charlotte, she thought, about living a lie like said he had. Maybe it was about his hurt he was when she left even though it was what he wanted. 

“Driven to distraction  
You steal my every thought  
Felt resistance crumbling  
No matter how I fought  
Knew that you would question  
Knew that I’d be lying  
Say that I feel nothing  
When inside my heart is dying”

Kayleigh was floored. To think of John, who wouldn't even say what kind of woman he liked, exposing his heartbreak like this, so raw and beautiful. She felt almost sick with empathy. Her heart was dying too, and there was the man she loved; the man who was so shut off from telling her how he felt, pouring his emotions about another woman out in a song. Not for the first time, Kayleigh felt stupidly jealous of Charlotte.

“Hurricane of happiness  
Curls that dance like flames  
Brown eyes glisten sadly   
For a woman tired of games  
How I wish I could”

A shiver ran down Kayleigh’s spine. John opened his eyes on the last stanza and even though he wasn't looking in her direction, she felt as though he was looking right into her eyes. Her memory flashed on his expression, sat in the car, dressed like Harry Potter. He’d had that same look that night. She had curls, and brown eyes… She was so terrified to hope.

 

“Take my hands off the wheel  
Get lost in your eyes  
Take my foot off the brake   
Let you drive  
Anywhere I go  
Want you by my side   
But I’m so afraid of the crash   
I can't enjoy the ride

So I built a dam  
Tried to stem the flow  
Stop this heart from breaking  
Before it takes another blow  
Repeat my lonely mantra  
That I’ve made the right decision  
But heartache steals my voice  
And tears that blind my vision  
Watch you walk away  
Words hung in the air  
My heart screams out I love you  
My voice says I don't care   
Yet still can’t”

Kayleigh was lost as John’s voice strained for the climax of the song. In one line his voice cracked but he carried on, with more emotion than she had ever seen. When she glanced at Jim sitting on his stool, even he seemed to be looking at John strangely. If it was about her… if he had written this about her… everything Mandy and John’s mum had said was right. Everything she had hoped for was there. Yet this wasn't a song saying what a fool,what a mistake I’ve made. It was a heartbreaking song of someone who couldn't overcome their demons. It was someone who desperately wanted to be happy but couldn't bring themselves to hope for a happy ending. Well ef that John Redmond. You deserve a happy ending as much as anyone, and she would be damned if she was going to let any other woman be the princess in that story. If this song was everything he felt, coupled with everything she knew she felt, she knew together they had it all. She just had to help John see that.

“Take my hands off the wheel  
Get lost in your eyes  
Take my foot off the brake   
Let you drive  
Anywhere I go  
Want you by my side   
But I’m so afraid of the crash   
I can't enjoy the ride”

As John repeated the chorus his fingers began to dance on the keys, and a different rhythm kicked in. A bass line she recognised was playing under the melody of the the song. After a couple of moments, Kayleigh gasped as the song merged into Marillion’s Kayleigh. 

It was a song she knew like the back of her hand. She was only 9 when it was a hit, but her dad had bought her the single and said it was a song the band had written all about her. That it was about a crazy, wonderful girl you could never forget. She’d played it over and over in her bedroom, driving Mandy mad.

“Are you okay, dear?” Barbara had leaned over and put a hand on her knee. 

Kayleigh came out of her reverie and realised she was crying - again. She quickly swiped at the tears on her face and smiled at Barbara. “I’m fine, thank you.”

“That was just lovely, wasn't it? And he wrote it himself. I bet they’ll be on X-factor next year!” Barbara said, just as John’s truncated version of Kaleigh came to a close and the crowd broke into genuine applause. Kayleigh clapped vigorously, and noticed John looked bashful as he stood up from his keyboard and picked up his guitar, joining Jim at the centre of the stage. 

“Thanks, cheers, thanks for that,” John said as he adjusted his new mic stand. “Anyway enough of the soppy stuff, let’s get back to the toe-tappers…”

He and Jim began strumming their guitars and singing You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet. Something out the corner of Kayleigh’s eye caught her attention, and she looked down to see a neon blue blob stuck to the arm of Barbara's coat. She seemed oblivious to it as she clapped along to the rocky song, but Kayleigh saw the culprit. The little boy in front had seemingly grown tired of his blue slush and was now using it with the sodden napkin wrapped round the cup to make neon, sticky, spit balls. She saw him just as he turned his head and aimed another one over his shoulder. 

The little blue missile flew from his straw and landed on the shoulder of Dave’s jacket, who also seemed oblivious, his eyes still on the stage. Kayleigh narrowed her eyes and watched the boy without turning her head towards him. She saw him chew up the piece of paper, stick it in the end of his straw, then watched as he shifted in his chair and lined up his target - which from the angle Kayleigh was at, looked to be Barbara's head.

When he took a big breath in, swiftly Kayleigh reached out and grabbed the straw. The boy sputtered blue saliva as his forced huff had no place to go, and Kayleigh pulled the straw completely from his hand.

“You little…” Kaleigh didn't finish her sentence before the boy’s mother whipped round to see what the commotion was. 

“What are you going? Leave my son alone?” the woman barked.

“What am I doing? What’s he doing? He’s been spitting crap at these lovely people.” She indicated Dave and Barbara who looked down and now noticed the wads of sticky tissue on their clothes with disgust. “You want to keep control of your children!”

The woman looked at her son, who at least had the grace to look guilty. She turned back to Kayleigh haughtily. “I don't know what you’re talking about. My son’s sitting here, good as gold, see?” She yanked her son's arm until he was sitting properly in his seat. “So I will thank you to mind your own business.” 

“Huh! You think it’s okay to let him behave like that? He could have hurt someone, had somebody’s eye out!” Kayleigh leant forward and impressed on the woman. “He should at least apologise to these nice people. That’s disgusting!”

“He’s been doing nothing! I told you.”

By now Dave had out a cotton handkerchief and was removing the offending mess from Barbara's sleeve. The sight of that enraged Kayleigh even more. Barbara got to her feet as Kayleigh helped her brush down her body for any unseen remnants. 

“You should be ashamed of yourself,” Kayleigh hissed behind the woman’s head. She leapt to her feet and turned round to face Kayleigh.

“Just what is your problem?”

“You.” Kayleigh stood up to meet her face to face, though it was more face to chin as the woman had a good few inches on Kayleigh in height. This didn't put Kayleigh off one iota. “You and your disgusting little...” 

“What did you just call my son?”

“Honestly, please, it’s fine…” Barbara reached out to touch Kayleigh’s arm and prevent a scene, but the action was sadly too late on all accounts. Kayleigh had her dander up and couldn't be side-lined by Hulk Hogan himself, and the crowd around had already all turned their attention to the two women. 

“DISGUSTING.” Kayleigh said the word slowly and loudly like she was speaking to child. 

The woman narrowed her eyes and looked down at her son, for a moment Kayleigh thought the woman was going to hit him. She suddenly felt bad and put out a hand to stop the violence. Her timing was perfect. Her hand went out just as the woman grabbed the half melted slushie from her son’s hand and threw it in Kayleigh’s face. Kayleigh’s hand caught the edge of the cup just as it was launched and the contents sprayed in every direction, including on the child in question. 

The icy blue water dripped from Kayleigh’s face and ran down her cleavage, as she gasped in shock and held out her arms. She hadn't noticed that there was silence around her, until a voice said over the speaker system, “Kayleigh?”

She looked up to see John, Jim and the compere all standing, mouths agape on the stage, staring at her. Jim and John had apparently been leaving the stage, as John had his keyboard under one arm. With the other, he had pulled the comperes mic to his mouth to say her name in total and utter bewilderment.


	4. I Know You Don't Want to Hear What I Say

"I know you don't want to hear what I say  
I know you're gonna keep turning away  
But I've been there and if I can survive  
I can keep you alive  
I'm not above going through it again  
I've not above being cool for a while  
If you're cruel to me I'll understand" - An Innocent Man by Billy Joel. 

 

There had been a few minutes of kerfuffle as everyone involved in the altercation located tissues to dab on the blue slush that had hit them. Though most had only got a splash or two the majority of it had either gone down Kayleigh’s front or landed on the top of the little boys head. A blue streak adorned the sleeve of Barbara's jacket, but besides that most of the by standards - and the culprit herself - had got away slush free. Two park security guards had come over as the mother was still shouting the odds over her now blue crying son, whilst the compere had ushered on the next act - thankfully a school choir whose noise and cuteness attracted the crowd's attention back to the stage.

With some intervention from Barbara and Dave (an ex-policeman no less) security had “moved along” the mother and her children, and allowed Kayleigh to stay. After a dab down with Dave’s handkerchief and tissues from numerous people sitting around her, Kayleigh realised she was going to have to find a better method of removal. The syrup was 90% sugar and had already become sticky where it wasn't freezing. 

Barbara gave her a sideways hug. “Oh lovey, look at you. I’m so sorry. Thank you so much for standing up for this daft old woman. Go and get yourself cleaned up.”

Kayleigh gave a dismissive shake of the head. “Don't worry, I’ll be fine. I’m just glad they’ve gone. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your day, Barbara.”

“You too. You best get over to your Gary Barlow. He’s been hovering over there looking stressed!” Kayleigh looked over and saw that John had indeed been waiting at the end of the stage at the marquee entrance. 

“What the hell was that about? What are you doing here?” He called out before she’d even got close to the metal barrier. His voice wasn't angry, just utterly confused.

“Her little boy was spitting tissue wads on to this lovely old couple, and she wasn't doing anything to stop him! What a b-i-t-c-h!” She pulled her top away from her body and wafted it letting the last if the ice fall to the ground. When she looked up John was almost laughing. It was the most gorgeous sight in the world.

“I don't know, how do you manage it? You could cause a commotion in a padded cell, you!” He gave a chuckle and looked her up and down. Kayleigh suddenly felt self conscious.

There was an awkward pause before John asked again, “What are you doing here?”

“I thought we could talk… I wanted to talk.”

“Here?!” John asked incredulously. 

Kayleigh gave a hopeful shrug. 

“I didn't think you wanted to talk… or see me,” he continued, his face turning suddenly sad. A hint of bitterness had snuck into his voice that made Kayleigh ache.

She looked at the ground, slightly embarrassed. “I know… I didn’t… but I do now…” She wiped a drip of slush from her forehead. “Look, I need to clean up. Is there a dressing room or something back there, John?” 

Just as she spoke Jim emerged from the tent behind John and gave a hearty laugh. “No dressing room back there, I just saw Charlie Chuckles in all his glory.” 

Kayleigh ignored him and looked to John again. “In that case I’ll go to the ladies, do you know where they are?”

John looked at her thoughtfully for a minute. “They’re back that way, next to the Save the Squirrel stand.” Kayleigh turned to go, but he put his hand on her shoulder. “I’ll meet you at the kid’s carousel in 10 minutes. There's benches there.” He didn't say anything further, but Kayleigh understood. Benches where they could talk, on neutral ground.

“Okay, thanks.” Kayleigh took a few steps away, before John called out her name again.

“Hang on…” John turned back to Jim and said something she couldn't hear, then Jim ducked back into the tent, and emerged a moment later with a black duffle bag which he handed to John.

“Here...” John instructed, as he raked in the bag and pulled out something white that he held out to her. 

Unfolding the item in her hand, Kayleigh saw that it was a Compendium t-shirt. The name was spelt out in different colours, each syllable a different font, across the chest. She held it up and saw it was huge.

“Sorry, only got XXL, there was a mistake in the order…” John gave a half smile. “You’re only meant to get one if you buy a CD… but seeing as it's you, I’ll make an exception.” His smile grew and he suddenly looked bashful. Despite the icy drink down her front, Kayleigh felt warmth flood her chest. She beamed and thanked him, before turning back to find the toilets.

Kayleigh was incredibly grateful to find the toilets were the permanent concrete park toilets rather than the port-a-potties brought in for the festival. They were chock-a-block but she managed to get a spot at the sinks to strip off her top and wipe down her sticky front. She washed her face, removing most of her make-up and sighed at her reflection in the small mirror on the wall. Why did so many of her emotional moments with John happen when she looked an absolute state? And boy, would she have a strongly worded email to send about that so-called waterproof mascara later.

She slipped the Compendium t-shirt over her head and sighed as it utterly drowned her. A woman behind her made eye contact in the mirror and gave her a smile. “You could wear that as a dress!” she said as she got her place at the sinks. Kayleigh rolled up the sleeves as best she could, then gathered the bottom up and tied it in a knot on her left hip. It was still ridiculously baggy but at least she was no longer just a head and calves. As she reapplied what makeup she could from her bag, she felt the butterflies return. The distraction had put her emotions on the back burner for a few minutes, but now she knew she was about to face John. 

She tried to recapture John’s song in her memory. She hadn't imagined that. It was about her, she was sure, but still she doubted what it meant. It had confirmed he had feelings for her, something she had suspected for a long time, but even that outpouring of love didn't confirm he was ready to do anything about it. All she wanted was a chance to show him he didn't need to be scared. What she felt for him was something that wouldn't be easily broken or beaten by life or anything he could throw at her emotionally. She just had to make sure he knew it. 

When she walked out the toilets she immediately saw him. He was standing by a bin with his hands in his pockets, the picture of someone who was tense with anxiety but trying to look cool. It made her smile. 

John gave her a nod as he caught sight of her through the crowd. She spread her arms to show the t-shirt in it's full glamour. “Did you just give me this so I’m walking advert for your band?”.

John gave an approving smile. “Well, it’s better than you looking like you’re entering a Smurf wet t-shirt contest!” Their eyes met as she reached him, and there was a moment of connection before John looked away and his air on unease came back. “Do you want to get a drink or something?” 

“Ooh, yeah, I’m parched,” Kayleigh said, noticing the burger stall was just behind them.

“Did you not manage to drink any of that slush then?” John teased. 

Kayleigh rolled her eyes at him but was delighted he was teasing her the way he always had. When she got out the car she really doubted they could ever talk like this again. She had changed things, she knew that but she was afraid of what that had meant.

When they joined the end of the queue an awkward silence fell between them, as they stood side by side yet carefully not touching. Kayleigh was reminded of a date she went on when she was 14. Adam Alcorn took her to the carnival, and they spent most of the evening screaming and laughing on each ride, then falling into awkward silence in between. It had ended with an aggressive, wet snog behind the waltzers when Adam had launched himself at her like he was going to eat her. She prayed this date would end better. Except it wasn't a date, she reminded herself. Although when they got the front John insisted on paying for her tea and portion of chips, so it started to seem like maybe it was?

John got a burger “just to keep you company”, and they sat down at one of the nearby picnic benches. The wind had got up and Kayleigh had to keep pushing her hair over one shoulder to keep it from being blown in her mouth. That pretty much destroyed the last of the efforts she’d made that morning to look good.

“So...where’s Jim then?” she asked as she popped a piping hot chip in her mouth.

John had just taken a chunk out of his burger and chewed quickly, moving the food around to one side of his mouth to try and answer her. “He’s gone for a wander… already packed the van up.”

“Oh,” Kayleigh hoped that didn't mean John was looking to beat a hasty retreat. Not that she had any right to expect him not to after how she left things. “I saw your set… it was really good.”

John looked pleased, “Oh yeah? Thanks… wasn't our best, the sound up there was terrible, couldn't hear myself at all…” At the last three words of his sentence his face suddenly fell and he looked like he was going to be sick. “Did you… did you catch the whole set or… ?”

“The whole thing.” Kayleigh smiled softly and cast her eyes down. She knew what he was asking. He wanted to know if she had seen his song. Her song. “I really liked it… all.” She finally looked up to see John looking flustered. He opened his mouth, and she thought he was about to make excuses or deny it, but in the end he just took an impressively large bite of his burger and chewed like his life depended on it.

Kayleigh followed suit and munched on her chips as they sat in silence,while the hubbub of the fair carried on around them. She watched the kids riding the carousel behind John. Each of them waving vigorously to their family as they came round, grinning madly. She let her mind drift, imagining she and John were there as parents, relaxing with a snack while their kids enjoyed the ride safely in their sights. She ached for it so much her eyes pricked with tears, and she had to give herself a shake. Don't go there. Calm down, remember Mandy’s advice, she told herself.

“Oh, I met one of your fans today!” she said, straying into safer ground.

John looked bewildered. “Eh?”

“Your fan. Big fan of Compendium’s, seen you perform more than once. And she’s got her eye on you.”

John just looked even more confused at the further information. “Who?” he asked disbelievingly.

“Barbara was her name. I was sitting next to her, think she was considering throwing her knickers at you. She compared you to Gary Barlow.” Kayleigh was enjoying this, watching his face go from total disbelief to suspicion, to totally flattery. He gave a surprised smile.

“Well, there you go. Knew someone out there would have good taste. What did she look like?”

“Oh I dunno, about 5 foot, slim, grey perm and wearing a pair of nice beige slacks.” Kayleigh grinned as John’s face changed to eye rolling. 

“Bloody typical!”

“What?!” Kayleigh carried on smiling innocently. “I’m serious, she was absolutely lovely. And totally smitten with you.” She wanted to add “she has good taste” but thought better of it. This teasing conversation was a comfortable safe place that she was reluctant to leave. 

John began to look more circumspect. “Hey, yeah well, a fan’s a fan. Just typical it’s always the old women. I can attract them like flies but never one under pension age with her own teeth.” He spoke lightly but almost instantly seemed to realise the implications of what he said, and wrinkled his forehead looking worried.

“Well, maybe not never,” Kayleigh said softly. She didn't want to scare him off, not again, but still she had come here to talk. They had to start somewhere. John gave a tight lipped smile. “I’m sorry John,” she offered. 

“What for?” He seemed to genuinely not know why she was apologising.

“For just walking out like that.”

“Oh.” He seemed to realised the conversation had turned serious, and looking down at the remainder of the burger in his hand. 

“I shouldn't have said… that … and just left. I just… I just ran out of patience, but it was my own fault, I was pushing you stupidly. I should know by now you need space… and I don't know why it was so important, why I needed all the answers there and then… it just felt like it… did.” She felt better for saying it, and let out a sigh as she waited for John to take it in. Waited. She would wait. However long it took. She wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

John didn't speak, didn't make eye contact with her. He put down his burger and for a moment she thought he was going to leave, but he just wiped his hands down his thighs like she had seen him do before he played his song.

“I shouldn't have said what I did,” he finally said, still not making eye contact. “I was just trying to explain how it is for me, why I can't just…” Neither of them seemed ready or able to say the words. “I didn't do it well, I know. I’m not good speaking about this stuff.”

Kayleigh wasn't sure if he meant right now, or he was still talking about the conversation they had on Friday. 

“But you can sing it.”

He met her eyes then, and he looked at her with gratitude. “Yeah.” 

“It was beautiful.” 

“So is the person it is about… “ He blushed furiously as he spoke, though he didn’t look away. “But do you understand now, what I was trying to say? I can't just forget everything. I chose my life a long time ago. I was okay with it, it made me happy… well, I thought it did. But I can't just let it go. I don't want to go through that hurt again. I don't think I can.”

“No one wants to John! But that's just life, you take a chance. You pay your money and maybe you throw a can and win the big cuddly toy, or maybe you get bugger all and go home with empty pockets.” Kayleigh was pleading with him now. She was delighted he had spoken so honestly, and she was so glad she’d heard the song. But it wasn't enough. 

“I don’t take risks,” John said. 

Kayleigh thought about his mother, what she’d said about sticking around, holding their hand when you want to run. She reached across the picnic table and put her hand on top of John’s hand. “Maybe it’s time you started…”

He looked at their hands then looked up at her. Kayleigh could see he was scared. She hadn't seen it before, too blinded by her own pain and thoughts that he didn't care about her. But now she saw it clearly, and saw he was terrified. Yet when he met her eyes, he turned his hand over and squeezed her hand in his.

They sat that way for a moment, until the wind whipped up and blew over Kayleigh’s cup. They both reached to try and save the last of her tea spilling onto the table, but the wind rolled the cup before they could grab it. Kayleigh squeaked and leapt to her feet, but thankfully only a couple of mouthfuls of liquid were left to spill. John mopped up the spillage with the napkins from his burger. “Jesus, you’re not having much luck today with liquids, are you?!” John said with a laugh.

“Let’s just both be thankful it wasn't piss,” Kayleigh giggled. 

Just as they were sitting back down again, Jim approached from behind John. “Alright lovebirds? You kissed and made up yet?” They both blushed this time and looked away. Jim plonked himself next to John, and grabbed one of Kayleigh’s remaining chips. “You ready to go? I need to get the van back to pick up Lucy for 5,” he said to John.

John looked suddenly panicked and looked from Kayleigh to Jim and back again. “I’m not sure… I guess…”

“I can take you home…” Kayleigh offered. The thought of cutting off this open channel of communication they had reached was alarming, and more than that, she just didn't want to say goodbye yet. 

John looked surprised. “Can you?”

“Yeah, I’ve got our Mandy’s Citroen.”

“There we go, problem solved!” Jim clapped his hands and stood up before John could say anything further. 

John seemed a little dazed by the speed of things, but stood up too. “Okay, I’ll just get me stuff from the van.” He looked back at Kayleigh. “Meet you at the entrance?” 

As Kayleigh walked to the fair entrance and waited for John, she watched the people passing by. The fair was winding down now and families were leaving with sleeping babies in prams, and sleepy toddlers being carried in their father’s arms. She indulged her daydream again, imagining her and John taking their kids back to the car after watching Daddy perform on stage. She was so lost in it, she nearly jumped out her skin when John spoke in her ear.

“Alright dreamy, you were in your own little world there!” he said as he held his keyboard bag between his knees and slung his jacket on. She was glad he couldn't read her thoughts.

“So you’ll need directions to mine then?” John said he he put his keyboard in the boot of Mandy’s car. 

Kayleigh had forgotten she hadn't told him any of this part of her day yet. “No, it’s fine, I know where you live…”

She climbed into the driver's seat while John looked confused and finally got in the passenger side. “How did you find me here anyway?” he asked, seeming to finally put two and two together.

“Your mum told me.” Kayleigh paused to let it sink in. “I went to your house.” 

“Oh Christ on a bike!” John put his hand his his eyes. “What did she say? What did she do? Oh Jesus!”

Kayleigh giggled. “She showed me all your baby photos and let me go through your underwear drawer.” 

“WHAT?!” John’s total outrage made Kayleigh laugh harder.

“I’m joking, John!” 

He put his hand on his chest. “Thank Christ! I wouldn't put it past her! What did she really say?”

Kayleigh contemplated how much to tell him. She certainly didn't want to put him on the back foot or wind him up by letting him know his mum had confided anything about him to her, and she wanted to keep Theresa’s trust too. “Not much. I took the money I’m owe you. I just wanted to have that out the way… whatever happened.” She felt John’s eyes on her as she said that. “She said I should talk to you myself. That was all really. And she gave me the address where you were.”

John nodded but didn't say anything.

“She was really lovely, your mum, “ Kayleigh said, chancing a glance at John as she drove away from the park. “I really liked her.” She paused before plucking up the courage to say it. “She thought I was your girlfriend.”

“Shit! Did she? What did you say?” John was flustered and moved uncomfortably in his seat. Kayleigh got the impression if he could have flung himself out the door, he would have.

“I told her the truth, John, that I wasn't.” 

“Oh.” John seemed somewhat deflated at the answer, making Kayleigh more confused than ever. 

“She did make me realise something though…” Kayleigh’s stomach churned as she spoke. If she was going to do this, she had to lay it all out.

“Oh?” 

Kayleigh put the indicator on and pulled into the side of the road. She needed to concentrate and she couldn't do that while she was driving.

“What are you doing?” John looked out the window trying to see why Kayleigh was pulling over.

“I need to just say it, John. You don't have to say anything, I don't expect you to, and I think that was where I went wrong before because really in a way this isn't about you. I don't need to know how you feel, it doesn't really change things.” Kayleigh turned in her seat towards him as she spoke. “Because it doesn't change what I feel. I love you, John. That’s just a matter of fact. I can't change it and you can't either. And you don't have to do anything about it, that's not why I am here. I just wanted to make sure you knew, what I feel for you, I feel no matter what you feel. And I know you are scared and hurt and you don't want to change things, so I am just saying this. I love you and I’m going to keep loving you. Not in a scary stalker way or anything.” 

Kayleigh looked down at her hands in her own lap. John was sitting there perfectly still not quite looking at her. 

“Maybe it makes me a doormat or something, and I thought - I really thought on Friday - I couldn't wait anymore, but it turns out I can. I can wait until you are ready to talk. Until you say whatever it is you need to say. Until you tell me you don't want me as your friend anymore. Until then, I am just going to be here. Cos that's where I want to be. Here. With you. In whatever capacity you are interested in.” 

She finished speaking and John still sat there, silently. Though she noticed his breathing had got heavier and quicker, as she watched his chest rise and fall. She bit her lip and looked back at the cars that whizzed past her window.

“The thing I realised most, John, was…” she continued, still looking away from him out the window. “I thought the thing I most wanted was kids. I was scared I would miss my chance waiting for you to be ready to say something, do something, and by the time you told me you didn't want to be with me, like that… it would be too late for me to move on and have kids with someone else… but what I realised John, was I don't want to have children with anyone else, so it doesn't really matter. It turns out, the thing I want most of all, in all the world… is you.”


	5. Making Up For the Love

"I know you're only protecting yourself  
I know you're thinking of somebody else  
Someone who hurt you  
But I'm not above  
Making up for the love  
You've been denying you could ever feel" - An Innocent Man by Billy Joel

Tears spilled over and down Kayleigh’s cheeks. For the first time since that morning, she let them flow freely. There were no shaking sobs, she didn't feel the heaving pain she had lurking in her chest since Friday. She felt calmer than she had in a long time. She just needed to say it, let her feelings out and give them to John. 

When John turned to her he had tears in his eyes too. He opened and closed his mouth but didn't say anything. Kayleigh looked at him and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry… I know it’s a lot, but like I said it’s okay I don't need anything from you, I just needed you to know. That’s all.” She turned back in her seat to face the front, and wiped the tears from her face.

“But, see,” John finally spoke, his voice shaking. “That's what I was trying to say on Friday. I was trying to say I’m not ready, I don't know how to… I don't know what I want to…” He struggled for a sentence, his voice getting more exasperated by the second.

“I know, I know! It’s fine, John.” Kayleigh cut him off, trying to save him the pain of telling her he didn't want a relationship, and also to try and stop the conversation from escalating like it had just two days before. She had got the picture of how he felt, he didn't need to say it. She waved her hand dismissively, then gripped the steering wheel, and sat straighter, readying herself to drive off. 

“But I was trying to say, that whole time, I didn’t want things to change. Things felt safe, good, I was worried about losing that. I was scared if we poked at it, it would all fall apart - which it did. But I couldn’t find the words, I’m not good with words.”

Kayleigh smiled without turning to him. “I know,” she said gently. “It’s fine…” She turned the key in the ignition, but John put his hand on top of hers and stopped her.

“Don’t...

The calm, seriousness in John’s voice surprised her. She let go the key and put her hands back on the wheel, not sure exactly what to do with herself.

“You know you said about Dirty Dancing?” John continued

The change of topic completely threw Kayleigh for a loop. “Eh?”

“You said about the line in Dirty Dancing, that it was dead romantic, about putting Baby in a corner?”

“Oh… yeah… right…” Not that is explained WHY John was bringing this up.

“I said why mess about with riddles? Why not just tell her?” 

John was looking at her now earnestly, seriously. And she had no clue where he was going with this. Despite this, she nodded.

“I watched it yesterday, Dirty Dancing I mean. Downloaded it off internet. I saw how Johnny has to leave and they say goodbye but you know they haven’t said everything they want to, and even when he says about Baby in the corner he’s not saying it. And I saw the lift… and then the dancing. And that’s when he says it.”

“Says what?”

“What he really feels. When they’re dancing, and everybody else has got up and I’ve Had the Time of My Life is playing. He sings along with a bit of it before they kiss…”

Kayleigh looked thoughtful. “Oh yeah, I’d forgotten that bit…” 

“And that’s what I was trying to tell you the other day….” John sighed and bit his lip. Kayleigh watched him and tried to match her breathing with his. Give him time, give him space, let him talk, she told herself.

“Cos the more you talked and asked,” he continued, “the more I panicked cos it was suddenly all so real and serious and final and forever and I couldn’t deal with that, I wasn’t ready for that…”

Kayleigh cringed and looked back out the windscreen. She had been so lost in her own pain she hadn’t seen that he just needed space. 

“But even still…” John paused for a moment then seemed to take a deep breath. “I still wanted you to know… to at least know that…”

“Know what?” 

“I keep messing it up...” His voice filled with anger that surprised Kayleigh. She looked down just as he reached out and put his hand on top of hers on the steering wheel. His huge hand completely covered hers and this time he gave it a gentle squeeze.

When she looked up at him, he took his hand away and put it on her cheek. In one movement he pulled her face towards him, as he leaned in and kissed her. It was a slow, soft kiss that melted Kayleigh’s core until she felt like she was just a pool of liquid in the driving seat. He pulled back and looked at Kayleigh for a moment, questioning with his eyes.

“Oh.” Kayleigh said, as if she had suddenly just understood everything.

“Yeah,” John agreed and gave her a small, embarrassed smile.

“That’s what you were trying to say?”

“Pretty much.”

Kayleigh closed the gap between them and recaptured his lips, as if somehow she hadn't participated in the first kiss and needed to check to see it had really happened.

After a moment, John pulled back. “This doesn't feel right…” 

Panic spread across Kayleigh’s face. Of course she could only ever have what she wanted for a moment. Of course he would change his mind. But as soon as John saw her face, he smiled.

“No, no, what I mean is this….” He indicated their positions in the car. “...doesn't feel right. We’re the wrong way round. I should be there. When I imagined this, I was in the driver’s seat.”

Kayleigh matched his smile. “You imagined us kissing?”

As he realised what he had admitted, John looked bashful. “No… never… not at all,” he said in mock seriousness.

Kayleigh giggled. She didn’t know exactly what had happened, hadn’t followed the train of thought or what precisely John had been saying, but the kiss was enough information for her for now. 

“I better get you home, don't want your mum worrying.” This time John didn’t stop her as she started the engine and pulled back into the road.

After a few minutes of peaceful silence, Kayleigh concentrating on driving, John leaned forward and fiddled with the car stereo buttons. The noises from several widely varying stations filled the car as John pressed each preset button in turn. “Well, Jesus, Kayleigh you’re not telling me you drove all the way here without having Forever FM on?”

Kayleigh glanced down at the stereo. “It never even occurred to me! I was too worried about getting lost.”

“Oh yeah?” John laughed. “The old, “got to turn the radio to read the street signs properly”! Classic.”

By the 5th or 6th button press, he managed to locate Forever FM and settled back into his seat as Wham’s Freedom played through the speakers. Kayleigh bopped in her seat and John sang snatches of the song that fit into his range, and all seemed right with the world again.

When they pulled into John’s street, Kayleigh suddenly felt nervous at the prospect of seeing Theresa again. She wanted to talk to her, tell her what had happened but she couldn’t without altering John to the fact his mother had said far more than she let on.

“What will you say to your mum?” She turned to him anxiously as she switched the car engine off.

John pulled a face. “I dunno, I thought hello might be a wild idea?”

Kayleigh slapped his arm lightly. “Seriously?”

“I dunno… I think the fact you’re here will tell her that things are okay between us… which they are, aren’t they?” 

Kayleigh nodded vigorously, then suddenly looked quizzical. “Oh, you want me to come in?”

John looked at her then with such warmth and softness her knees felt weak. “Of course! I mean… if you want to? It would be nice for you to be at my house when I’m actually there!”

“I do, yes!” She found it adorable how unsure John was. He’d kissed the socks off her but was still unsure if that meant she was happy. Silly man. 

“Hiya Mum, I’m back… Kayleigh’s with me…” John called as he opened the front door and let them both in. 

He was met with silence. “Mummmmmm…” He shouted louder. “She’s maybe still out the back, go and have a seat.”

Kayleigh sat back on his sofa in the same position she’d been in hours earlier, but with an entirely different heart. There was still so much she didn’t know, but Theresa had been right. Show him she was there, and loving him and give him space and he’d reveal his feelings. She suddenly remembered Mandy and pulled out her phone to send her a text.

“All okay. We kissed!! He wrote a song about me!!! Will tell you all when I get home,” she wrote.

Almost instantly she received a reply. “WOW! See? Told you!! Can’t wait for details. Xx”

Kayleigh grinned at her phone, as John came back into the room. 

“She’s gone home, she left a note. She decided to take the bus.” He put the piece of paper down on the coffee table, and Kayleigh tilted her head to read it.

“John, I decided just to get bus home. Seems like you have other things on hand! Speak to you later! Kayleigh was here, hope she found you. DON’T MESS IT UP!! Love, Mum. P.S. water those gerberas or I’ll set Aunt Joan on you.”

“So…” Kayleigh said patting her hands on her lap.

“So…” John stood in between the coffee table and the other sofa, hovering awkwardly. Now they knew they were alone, suddenly the air between them fell heavy with unsaid emotions. “Fancy a brew?” 

He’s already walked out of the room before Kayleigh had a chance to answer. So she simply followed suit into the kitchen, where John was switching on the kettle and getting out the mugs. It was like a replay of that morning with his mum. 

Kayleigh smiled to herself noting how similar his actions were to his mother’s. She was sure he wouldn’t be pleased if she made that comparison aloud, so she stayed quiet and got the milk from the fridge.

“I like your house. Never knew you were a bit Laurence Llewelyn Bowen on the sly!”

“A man has to have some mysteries,” John teased as he stirred their teas. 

Since their conversation in the car, there had been something bothering Kayleigh but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. As John handed her the milk back, it suddenly came to her, and came out of her mouth without a second thought.

“You never really explained why you were talking about Dirty Dancing?”

“Huh?” John carried on stirring their teas.

“Dirty Dancing. You said Johnny when he sang along, that was what you were trying to say. I don’t get what you were saying? You didn’t explain it.”

John’s back tensed. “Ah… did I not?” He seemed to wait for Kayleigh to answer. When she didn’t, he sighed and tilted his head to the roof for a moment. “Well, you know on Friday… in the car… in the traffic jam, I was writing a text.”

“You said you weren’t!” 

John sighed again, “Well I was. I sent a text to Forever FM. When you asked me if I thought it might be good if we spent time together outside work… that was when I realised… that I wanted you to know… and then when it went to buggery, I still wasn’t sure of what I wanted… except I still wanted you to know…”

“John!” Kayleigh exclaimed throwing her hands in the air. “You’re doing it again! Just tell me what it was.”

He put the teaspoon down finally, and turned towards Kayleigh, where she was leaning her hip against the sink trying to read his face.

“They read it out after you got out the car… my text. It said “Nobody puts Kayleigh in the corner.” He shrugged as if he didn’t understand it himself.

For a moment Kayleigh stood, running the phrase through her mind, trying to get the full understanding of it. It came in two stages. First she got the quote, and she made an “oh” face. Then she got the meaning, and her eyes nearly popped out on stalks.

She flung herself at John, wrapping her arms round his neck.

“Christ woman, you’re going to kill me!” John said, embarrassed but pleased with himself. He hugged her back, and eventually she let him out of the full Nelson and his face became less red.

Kayleigh rested back on her heels but didn’t remove her hands from round his neck. “THAT’S what you were trying to say, John? The whole time? All that time and arguing and…” She shook her head. “Why didn’t you just say it… instead of talking in riddles?” She laughed and raised her eyebrows, remembering John’s incredulity at Johnny’s method of expression.

John loosely held her waist. “I just couldn’t. I said I’m not good at these things, just like Johnny. It’s easier in a song.”

“Easier to just show me too…”

Kayleigh pulled herself up onto tiptoe again and kissed him. It was different this time. She was in charge. Confident and secure in not only her own feelings, but John’s too. He loved her. That was what he meant. He was scared and didn’t know how to deal with it or say it, but he loved her and that was all she cared about. 

She held the back of his neck as she guided the kiss, deepening and elongating it, until she felt John digging his fingers into her lower back. Only then did she bring it to an end, pulling away slowly and lowering herself back to earth, in more ways than one. 

“Woah…” John was flushed and his lips were plump and pink from the action they just endured. “If I’d known this was the effect it had on you, I’d have watched Dirty Dancing ages ago.”

Kayleigh grinned wickedly, pleased at the response she got - the response she’d dreamed of for some time. She picked up the teas and handed John his, smiling smugly as she sashied out of the kitchen and in to the living room.

It took John approximately thirty seconds to follow her. She had sat back on the sofa, and was putting her tea on the coffee table as he walked into the room. He put his tea next to hers and sat beside her. In another five seconds they were kissing again.

It was as if a dam had been opened, and everything they had felt but been keeping bottled up for months needed to be unleashed there and then. Like a couple of teenagers they snogged on the sofa, leaning first John’s way, then Kayleigh’s, then back. After some minutes, Kayleigh realised that was all they were doing - just snogging. John wasn’t trying to unhook her bra with one hand or relieve her of her jeans. They were kissing, just kissing, and it was utterly wonderful. She couldn’t even remember the last time a guy had kissed her for longer than a minute before seeming to think he had paid the entrance fee to the funfair.

John was different. He was old fashioned. She suddenly remembered how he’d asked if she was “courting” that first day they drove together. And then she remembered a phrase her Dad has used, when he’d caught her behind the sofa with Liam McKay when she was 15 - “necking”. She and John were necking. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling against his mouth.

He pulled away and looked at her. “What?” 

“Nothing. I’m just happy.”

“Good,” he said, as he withdrew his arms from around her and straightened his own shirt. Kayleigh’s Compendium shirt had long since come untied and unfolded and was twisted around her in a straight jacket fashion. She twisted it back the right way, releasing all the fabric from under her bum and sighed as the end result was it looking like a sack on her again. 

“Tea’s gone cold…” she noted as she picked up her cup and took a sip.

“Bloody hell! Crime worse than death that, my Dad’d be turning in his grave if he wasn’t cremated,” John said as he took a sip from his cup and stuck his tongue out in disgust. 

“Just chuck ‘em in the microwave…” Kayleigh held out her cup to John who looked at her horrified.

“Are you insane?! Nope… I take it all back… get out my house… Microwave?! TEA?!” He stood up, went over to the photo of his dad on the mantelpiece and held his hands either side of the frame. “I’m sorry Dad, don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s saying!”

Kayleigh giggled and continued to hold her cup out to him. “Make a fresh one then, John!”

John made an exaggerated sigh. “That’s better.” He took the cup from her and she followed him into the kitchen. As he switched the kettle on again, she came up behind him and wrapped her arms round his back. He rested his hands on top of hers on his chest and gazed out the window at the twilight in his back garden.

“When do you need to get back to your Mandy’s?” he asked.

“She didn’t say a time…” Kayleigh paused, and plucked up her courage. It was easier not looking at him. “I don’t have to go…”

“I think you should.” John’s voice was tender, but the words still stung a bit. He turned in her arms to look at her. “I don’t think we should… not today, not with everything. We’ve been up and down like a yo-yo…”

Kayleigh raised her eyebrows at the innuendo, and John rolled his eyes and gave a little chuckle.

“I just mean, we’ve gone through a lot the past few days. I just think we should let things settle down, get used to this a bit more before we rush into anything…”

Kayleigh couldn’t deny she was disappointed by what he was saying, but at the same time she knew he was right. Besides she could do with a wax and her fake tan had gone streaky all down her left leg. 

She nodded.

“Is that… okay? You’re not upset are you?” He seemed genuinely afraid he’d offended her.

“No, no, I know you’re right. It’s sensible.”

“Well, one of us has to be.” He winked and kissed her on the nose. “Besides, I want to do it right…”

She couldn’t help but laugh out loud, “God, I hope so!”

“I mean…” John rolled his eyes and waited for her laughter to stop. “Take you out, on a date. Go to a restaurant, wear a non-store regulation tie, pick you up…”

“But you pick me up every day, John.”

“Jesus, woman, will you work with me here?” 

“I do, that’s the point!” Kayleigh giggled, and they both dissolved into laughter. All the stresses of the past couple of days had left them a little punch drunk.

John shook his head. “Christ, you try to be a gentleman and that’s all the thanks you get.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Kayleigh said and tightened her arms around his waist. “So you want to take me out on a date? Wine me, dine me and sixt-”

“You are absolutely filthy, you know that?!” 

“Better get used to it, baby…”

John looked to the ceiling again and pulled her tight in a hug. “What have I let myself in for?” He laughed and kissed the top of her head. “Seriously, you’re okay with this?”

“Yes,” Kayleigh said against his chest. “It’s okay, I’ll go home soon.”

“But not just yet?” He said hopefully.

“No, not just yet.”

This time they both managed to finish their cups of tea, as they sat side-by-side on the sofa, John’s left arm around Kayleigh’s shoulder holding her tight as they chatted about this and that. Kayleigh smiled to herself, as she noticed that every time he’d removed his arm to scratch his face or whatever, he had put his right hand on her knee while he did it. It was like a placeholder, so he always had a hand on her until his left one took its rightful spot on her shoulder again.

She snuggled in against his body, loving the softness yet stability of his frame. She was right, champion cuddler. For a while she relaxed into their new intimacy, but still there were questions she had of how they’d got there - the twisted, confusing journey they’d taken.

“You know on Friday? You said it was easier staying out of all this… why… what made you change your mind?” she finally asked.

“I didn’t…” he said, and Kayleigh pulled back a little. “I was right. It is easier. Cleaner. Less risky. But it’s not better. This is better.” He squeezed her arms. “I was just afraid, of being hurt again, of hurting someone again…”

“Like Charlotte?”

“Yeah…” 

Charlotte. The name that kept cropping up. She was beginning to feel like Charlotte had been car sharing with them this whole time. The ghost of Charlotte, who wasn't even dead. Just a memory that was like a wall around John, that had been stopping her from getting close.

“I still don’t understand, you said you weren’t in love with her? You weren’t happy with her? Why did it hurt you so much when she left?”

John casually stroked his hand up and down her arm as he sat silently for a moment. “I think… it wasn’t about her, not really.” He looked across the room at the photos on the mantelpiece. “I think it was more about my Dad.”

Kayleigh put her hand on top of his and squeezed it. She thought of what Theresa had said about John not having anyone to talk to, and hoping he talked to her. She was determined to be there for him in that way, to listen to anything he ever wanted to say. She said nothing and waited for him to continue.

“When I met Charlotte, Dad was already ill. We didn’t know how bad then but it wasn’t great anyway. And our Paul was already settled down, already had our Sophie and Ben. I know how happy that made Dad… and Mum. They loved being grandparents. My dad was over the moon with those two, apple of his eye…”

Kayleigh leaned her head on his chest while he spoke, and could feel his heart beating under her ear.

“I think with Charlotte I just thought this was probably my last chance. She was nice, and it was fine and Dad liked her and she fitted in and… it just all seemed like perfect timing. And we got got engaged and bought this house… I wanted it all to be perfect. To show Dad I was sorted. I had my life together the way he would want, that would make him happy.”

“Oh John…” Kayleigh said quietly, tears forming in her eyes.

“But it wasn’t. Like you said, I wasn’t in love with her, I didn’t love her. I liked her but really that was it. It wasn’t enough. My dad saw through it before I did. He told me that afterwards. He knew it wasn’t right, but he didn’t want to say. But at the time… I just felt I’d let him down, let everyone down. I hurt Charlotte, and her family and the friends we shared and… I just felt like a shit, really.” He gave a hollow laugh. “I didn’t want to do that again, I didn’t want to risk making such a mess again.”

He paused and his hand returned to her shoulder and squeezed. “I was so scared I’d mess up and hurt you… and that was exactly what I did. I didn’t think I could fix it. And hurting someone I didn’t love was bad enough… hurting you… I didn’t think I could come back from it.”

“What made you change your mind?” she asked, almost scared of the answer.

“You did. Seeing you there, covered in blue slush. After I’d been so stupid in the car, messed everything up, you still came back…”

“Because I love you.”

John wrapped both arms around her and hugged her tight to him. “I know now. No one has ever done that before, not like that, loved me, seen me mess up and come back still loving me. That blew my mind a bit, that did.”

“John, we’re going to make mistakes, we’re just human. Sometimes we’ll hurt each other, that’s what people do. But when you love someone, you talk about it, sort it out, don’t just put a wall up or walk away. We both messed up on Friday. Not just you.”

They sat that way, hugging each other tightly, pressed into the corner of the sofa, for  
a few minutes. 

“So….” Kayleigh finally broke the silence, this time her voice light and mischievous. “What are you going to tell your mum now?”

“Eh? I’m not giving my Mum blow by blow, Jesus!” 

“I thought maybe you could tell her she was right…” Kayleigh paused for dramatic effect. “That I am your girlfriend.” She could practically hear John grinning. “If that’s okay?”

“She’ll be delighted… don’t know the last time I told her she was right. I better make sure she’s sitting down first!”

Kayleigh tilted her head up to John and their lips found each other again. Before long they were lost in each other once more, this time ending up entirely horizontal on the short sofa. John was on his back, his right leg hanging off the edge of the sofa, while Kayleigh lay half on top of him, half squashed into the back cushions. 

Eventually Kayleigh raised herself up from John’s chest with her hands. “I’d better go… If you’re going to stay a gentleman, or I might be forced to have my wicked way with you.” She remembered Barbara using the phrase earlier and giggled imagining if Barbara could see her now. Groupie, indeed.

John chuckled and sat up with her. “Okay, but will you do me one favour first?”

Kayleigh spluttered a laugh, as she fetched her shoes from under the coffee table and put them back on. “Well John you did say you didn’t want to give your mum blow by blow!”

“Not THAT! Come on… I’ll show you.”

Once she’d gathered all her things, and fixed herself so she didn’t look quite so much like she’d just spent the past two hours snogging the face off someone, John took her by the hand outside.

“Okay, if this is some weird fetish… I’m glad you’re telling me now…”

John ignored her words and led her to his Fiat. “Get in.”

Kayleigh looked perplexed as John opened the car and got in the driver’s seat. She climbed in the passenger side and looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Uh, you’re not driving me home. I came in Mandy’s Citroen, I need to drive that home.”

“I KNOW, divy!” He twisted round in his seat, like he had that night he was dressed as Harry Potter. “Come here…”

He reached for her face again, just like he had earlier in the day, cupping her cheek and pulled her towards him until their lips met. 

"See?" He said, pulling back for a moment. "This is more like it," before diving back into the kiss.

Despite being utterly confused, Kayleigh went with it and kissed him back. It was a kiss Kayleigh felt to the depth of her stomach. After their marathon session she thought she knew all of John’s kissing techniques, but this was different. It wasn’t raw passion or tentative exploration. It was deep, and soulful and like drinking hot chocolate in the snow. Her cheeks burned with the intensity, as she gripped John’s head in her hands trying to keep hold of something to stop her melting away.

John finally pulled back, but kept their faces close together. He looked at her intently, as he stroked her warm cheek with his thumb. 

“I love you, Kayleigh Kitson,” he said quietly. Despite the intensity of the moment, Kayleigh couldn’t stop herself grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

“I love you too, John.”

They relaxed away from each other somewhat, Kayleigh’s hands sliding him his head down his chest.

“I wanted it to be in here… I wanted the first time I said it to be in here… right here, where I fell in love with you.” John smiled at her fully then, looking proud as punch. He’d said it. She’d waited, and he’d said it. He just wanted it to be in his time, on his terms. If only she’d had that patience, she wouldn’t have gone through the worst couple of days of her life, she thought. 

“Well, it was worth the wait…” She planted a quick kiss on his lips then pulled away completely. “But I really have to go.”

As she opened her door, she got out and looked at John over the top of the car. “So, will you carry on picking me up from our Mandy’s from work then?”

She wasn’t really sure what this meant for them at work. With John’s rule on fraternising, would she have to find another job?

“Yeah, for now…” John said distractedly as he locked the car and began walking with her to where she’d parked Mandy’s car. 

“For now?” Kayleigh frowned. Well she was right, she’d have to find another job. They’d have to keep it secret at work. It sucked, but she understood, John wanted to stay professional. It made sense.

“Yeah well, until you move in here…” John didn’t seem to realise what he’d said, and he just looked round baffled when Kayleigh was no longer walking by his side but had stopped dead on the path. “What?”

Kayleigh’s jaw was practically on the floor. “Until I move in here?” she repeated incredulously.

John’s face suddenly registered what he’d said, and even in the dark streetlight Kayleigh could tell he’d gone bright red. “I mean…uh…”

Kayleigh caught up with him and grabbed his arm, giggling. “Now who’s rushing things!”

As she drove off, a goodbye kiss from John still tingling on her lips, she looked in her rearview mirror and saw him standing on the street waving goodbye. She decided she’d better buy Mandy an industrial size bar of Galaxy on the way home, she had a lot to fill her in on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading and the lovely comments. This story may very well have a sequel* that tells of the mooted first date but in the meantime, let's all enjoy the Finale! Here's to happy endings. 
> 
> *I may have already written 2 chapters of said sequel


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